AstroScene: The Candy Man Can

For real though...

The Moon is tuckered out from her stay over at Uranus and Pallas Athene's place/office/dojo/party headquarters, and is looking for a change of pace, maybe a more chill scene. Still riding high off of the hi-energy buzz from that place, she goes to see everybody's favorite dealer, The Candy Man (aka Neptune) and his business partner, Clip-Clop (Chiron) and he hooks her up with something to help her come down. Still high as balls, she goes to talk about life, the universe and salmon with Pluto, who really helps her come back down to earth. After some heady conversation, she emails Mars to go over the Nutrition and Exercise Action Assault Plan for the week; and promptly heads to bed and pops Neptune's pills, where she dreams strange, strange dreams involving werewolves, prom, a barking dog with a Skrillex haircut, and a small amount of peas.

Mercury has a strategy session with Uranus and Pallas re: investment opportunities in developing countries for a nice tax dodge from the royalties of his wildly successful screenplay. He eventually goes with Haitian diamond mining. Sounds legit. Venus draws up the paperwork, sneaking in a couple clauses for herself while the boys are busy celebrating their combined genius. NEVER trust that girl with legal documents. Pluto helps her with some of the finer points and jargon, and it gets notarized and signed in triplicate.

Mars is having an existential crisis. He ponders his direction in life for about three seconds, and then decides to launch his own Gym after talking to Uranus. His first client? Jupiter. The poor bastard comes in, expecting to hit hard and get swoll after just one session, a week max. When Mars tries to explain how it actually works to him, he storms off and goes back home to Ceres, who backs Mars up. After a LOT of independent research, Jupiter storms back in to the Gym while Mars is hanging up motivational posters and getting everything just so, and just starts punishing the iron. Mars goes back to what he was doing. Vesta calls to check on membership prices.

Meanwhile, over at SaturnCorp, LLC., The CEO is currently obsessed with a new MMO game, and cannot be bothered at the moment, but if you leave your name and number, one of his drone army of executive assistants might get back to you when they feel like it. Eris is hooked too, and the two group up to bully the Sun into submission. He enlists Sedna's help, who is already at level 50 despite only playing for an hour (yay, suspension of disbelief!) and they just obliterate the competition. Juno and Eros also join in the fray, never ones to be left out of anything, and the situation just devolves until everyone forgets why they were fighting and go on a flashpoint quest. Psyche starts playing about 10 minutes later, after everyone else logs off.

Til next time!
-The AstroGeek

AstroScene: Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Cheap

Well, I have three consults that Im woefully behind on, TNOs to do, and Im pretty sure I need to wash my clothes (I think a small colony of scorpions have started to build a complex city in my laundry pile....) but screw it, I want to bring back the Astro-Scene (something Sue from Accounting keeps telling me I will regret later. Im not sure why I even talk to my mortal enemy about the direction of the site, but it came up during a break in our ongoing deathmatch.) so thats what Im going to do. Ive strung you guys along for long enough, I think.

Diving right in...  

The Sun is struck by a case of ennui, and is inconsolable until Psyche brings him a homecooked meal and just sits with him, talking about everything and nothing and watching trash T.V, until its nighttime and they decide to go out and hit the town. Surprisingly, a good time is had by all and no clubs are burnt to the ground.

The Moon gets sick of feeling like a wet noodle and goes to hang out with Uranus and Pallas Athene to alleviate her boredom and clear her head. Mars invites himself to the party (come on, its Uranus. Of course it becomes a party.) and the Moon takes offense to this. They glare at each other the entire time, refusing to acknowledge the other's presence until they both reach for the last mini-quiche. From there, it devolves into WW4, with several small nations getting involved. Mars actually loses this one, due to brilliant strategy from the combined minds of Uranus and Pallas Athene. The whole process takes about 3 days, and afterwards everyone is happy again, and Mars is actually invited to the victory party, where there is enough mini-quiche for everybody. Vienna sausages however, are gone within the first ten minutes.

Mercury is enlisted to write a screenplay on the recent conflict over the mini-quiches, however he is just far too busy at the moment to take on any more projects. And next time, bring something that actually has a believable premise and can have robots worked in, thank you very much. Neptune and Chiron come in with the same script and convince him. Due to his brilliant writing and brilliant casting (Venus as the love interest, Jupiter as the Hero), the whole thing makes a boatload of money and is up for several awards.
  
Speaking of Venus, she and Jupiter are given an enticing offer from Pluto. They refuse to talk about it, but are all smiles afterwards. Ceres also knows, but she sure isnt telling. She's too angry about not getting the offer too. There will be a reckoning (honestly Pluto, you think you would have learned from last time. Le sigh)

Saturn takes a rare day off, and to everyone's surprise the world keeps spinning. He cooly makes a note of this, and resolves to make sweeping changes. Eros advises against this, and reminds him that actually, days off are quite nice and maybe more of them wouldnt be such a bad idea. Saturn says nothing, but crosses out his note. Eris pays a visit and the two call a cease fire and play croquet. Eris trounces him of course, but they actually have a good time playing.

Vesta runs into some money troubles, and calls up Juno (who has somehow become a criminal mastermind while no one was looking) for a loan. She happily lends her the money, but demands her cats as collateral. Vesta blanches, but agrees to the terms. Current count- 0 cats. This enables her to not only pay her bills, but actually clean up her place, and reminds her that her house is actually quite nice. She even gets to do some gardening (with Sedna's help), and resolves to have a party straightaway.

All in all, a good day. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go bake something.

-The AstroGeek

Neptune in Pisces: The Sky is Falling

Ok guys, here we are with Neptune in Pisces again. Lets do this.

By now, Neptune is completely settled into Pisces, the sign that it rules (well, some people say Cancer, but... Yeah no, its Pisces) where it will stay for the next 14(ish) years. So, we're going to have to deal with this situation for a while. Enjoy.

This is also significant, because it marks the last shift of the Outer Planets. All the actors are now in their places. Pluto is busy knocking down any wall he can find, Uranus is skydiving and late for his Muay thai class, Saturn is stricken with ennui, and Jupiter just cannot be bothered in the least. Neptune's introduction is kind of like the evil twin popping up out of nowhere to blow up the hospital and have scandalous a gay affair with your best friend. Its enough to make me want to start doing the Astroscene again! So, where does that leave us? (up s%$# creek?)

Well, like with all astro, you have to take a little of the good from each, watch out for the bad of all, see your personal situation in the dialogue, and add in your personal experience (and smite your enemies!! Smite them verily!)


A lot of the Disaster types point to this as proof that, with the mayan calendar coming to an end and all, Neptune in Pisces surely points to the end being nigh and suchlike (seeing as how Pisces rules endings and all), to which I say (If I ever meet a mayan, im clocking him square in the jaw) soo much hooey, or smh for short  (heh... I so funny....)

Anyway, we'll have plenty of time to watch Neptune play out its part, so sit back and watch the show!!

ASTROSCENE: The Takedown

Hey everyone, sorry about the hiatus. There was an unfortunate incident involving a Snow Leopard that i had to contend with. Note: never take a snow leopard as a roomate; they never clean up after themselves, never pay the rent, and they shed all over the place.

Anyway, you came to see a post. So without further ados....

Since we last left the Sun, he has started a major cult that threatens to take over the globe. Vulcan is a High Priest, and Psyche and Venus are the heads of the Harem, er wives...
Uranus stops by and tries to rally for progressive reforms at the next meeting. Ceres brings quiche. Saturn looks on disapprovingly, while at the same time secretly wanting to join in on the fun.

Pallas prepares an expose of the blatant human rights violations, but Vesta accidentally tapes over the footage with a recording of her cat show. She suprises everyone with her new passion, fantasy baseball.

Mercury re-enters (stage right) the drama; turns out that he is going back to school, and in his abscence he was making a college visit. Neptune knew, but just forgot to mention it to everyone. Chiron whaps him upside the head, then gives him a band-aid.

Turning to the Moon, we find out that she is PISSED and not going to take any of the B.S. any more. She launches an all-out offensive on the Sun's cult, bringing in a team of Mercenaries er, professional security contractors to storm the palace and stage a coup. Jupiter finances the operation, and Pallas comes up with the battle plan. It all goes horribly wrong, and the Cult lives on.

Mars is feeling very depressed, and goes to go pick a fight with Pluto. They wind up talking and find out they have a lot in common, and Pluto gives him some new music for his playlist (Dashboard Confessional, most likely). Neptune joins the party, and brings tequila. Chiron is the DD.

Suprisingly, Eris is not involved in anything. No one has any idea where she is, and everyone is on edge.

Juno is settling well into her new position of V.P. of Operations at SaturnCorp, Inc., and by "settling" we mean a bloodthirsty reign of terror marked by incessant politeness, a removal of all swearing, and loads of pastel colors. The workers start up a new commitee for workplace equality, helped along by Uranus. Ceres brings more quiche.

Eros takes a stroll by himself to get lost, and runs into Sedna. She is instantly charmed by his swarthy, earthy charm, and he is intruiged by her gourgeous...um...eyes. Yeah, thats it.




Ok, so here's the deal: due to circumstances beyond my control, the AstroScene is going to be a weekly thing, as I am more than a little swamped. I am still doing consults (at the moment). The TNO Watch will still be coming out as scheduled.

And as always, go check out my Astro-Crew, found over to the left. They all rock, hard-core.

Image courtesy of mixed-martial-arts-training.org

ASTROSCENE: Pobodys Nerfect

Busy times here, seems like everybody's got a job to do and they're doing it well.

The Sun and Jupiter are still having an unofficial feud, but nobody can remember what it was about, or why everyone keeps finding mugs all over the place. Pluto Somehow made his way into the palace without anyone noticing, and has posted up in the basement and refuses to leave. Ceres tries unsuccessfully to chase him out with a broom, but he just stares at her like she's on crack and lights the thing on fire. Next time she comes back with a iron frying pan. 

Venus is forced to pay the bill for her shopping excursion, which forces her to actually go out and get a JOB. After three minutes at the local taco/burger/coffee joint, she gets fired, sleeps with the manager and wins a nice sexual harassment lawsuit settlement negotiated by Saturn. The company goes bankrupt, and thousands lose their jobs. Way to go.

Psyche sits down with Pallas Athene for a exclusive look inside the palace life. Incredibly boring as it is, due to all the good parts being edited out, It makes Pallas' career as an hard-hitting journalist. Her first assignment: covering a fashion show for cats, put on by Vesta.

I know, you're shocked. Bear with me guys, we're just getting to the good part.  

Mars hates everybody. He packs his bags and takes the midnight train going anywhere.

Vulcan makes a brilliant pitch at SaturnCorp about the amazing new product he just invented, inspired by Eros. He wins a contract and it goes into development immediately.

Neptune joins a monastic school. Chiron drags him out kicking and screaming.

Uranus fights for Free trade agreements in South America. This time, he swings Psyche onto his side, and she becomes the public face of his campaign.

Juno launches her own PR firm, after firmly erasing the memory of the last debacle from the people's collective consciousness. After a couple of misguided billboard designs, she nails it and becomes an overnight success.

Mercury is still AWOL, but there have been reports of a thin, distinguished man in a top hat from Argentina shouting belligerently at anyone he sees, and with an obsession for counting things in shop windows. No word yet on if this is the same guy.


Until we find him, I present to you his favorite song when he bails on us mortals. If we play it enough, he might just remember that we don't disappear when he does.

ASTROSCENE: Corona-nation!

Corona-nation time, Get your commemorative mugs here, just 3 quid! And thats cutting me own throat! Ask about our two-for three specials and our genuine crown jewels!!

Oh, sorry, didnt see you there. Mind the mugs.

Right, so today is the big day! The royal we and all that....mmhm....cordially invited to attend....coronation of his holy flatulence...Our lord regent....the Sun! Sounds posh!

Ok, im done. Apologies on being a tad behind the ball on this one, but big stuff is in the works, lots to do, you know how it is. Plus you try getting anything accomplished with both Mercury and Neptune squaring your Sun, and Retrograde too, no less. But enough about emo-mumblings and excuses, you came for an astroscene!! Oh, you wanted a mug? Here you go, 6 quid.

For the rest of you, lots to talk about today. The Sun and Moon finally meet in the royal chamber pot, leading to an awkward breakfast. After the initial awkwardness, the two remember all the good times, and how great they both are. Ahhhhh, pleasurable company at last! Later on, Jupiter starts a shouting match, leading to a clash of the windbags. Doors are slammed, Mothers are insulted, and Quiches are baked. Both refuse to apologize, yet move on with their day. Eris hangs out in the kitchen, giving the Moon relationship advice. Psyche and Venus go shopping and let the boys duke it out, but not before grabbing the black Amex. Vulcan avoids everybody.

Pallas, who at this point is little more than a paparazzo hanging out behind the palace, digs through the trash and finds the receipts from Venus' little shopping excursion. Turns out that black Amex was directly linked to the tax funds. Whoopsie... Uranus tries to stage a coup, rallying the common man to fight the oppressive regime, but it doesn't get farther than the corner Starbucks. Chiron nods approvingly, though, and tosses a dollar into his hat while Neptune plays the bongo drums.

Juno goes over to the palace to help smooth over this PR disaster, and proceeds to shout at everybody. Ceres tries to lock her in the attic, but Venus sides with Juno and sends Ceres back to the kitchen. Steaming mad, she almost burns the place down.

Sick of Eris and her games, Mars offers to take Pluto to the gym. 3 minutes later, they both storm out of the place and drive home separately. What transpired in there shall not be discussed, as i would have to change the content warning on my site. Suffice it to say Pluto will not be invited back there for a good long while.

Saturn helps Vesta find a new place, after she gets evicted for her cats. He finds her this great second floor walk-up that has plenty of space, so she can use it for her crystal healing practice. Yoga on thursdays.

Eros goes to collect Jupiter, and instead he finds his old buddy Vulcan. Eros stocks up on some new arrows, and they catch up on old times. Eros promises to find a nice girl to shoot for him.

Turning to Mercury....wait, where'd he go? This cant be good....

Image courtesy of http://bhutanjournals.com/monarchy/5th-druk-gyalpo/coronation-day-long-live-the-king/



If you have a hankering for more awesome astro, go check out Karen here

Also if you think what I do is hilarious and awesome, check out the lovely Starzina and her Time of the Month here 

ASTROSCENE: Mad as a Hatter

How many gods does it take to change a light bulb?

One, as long as Eris stays out of the way. 

 In today’s scene, it appears that someone (not naming any names…Mercury) has shouted out “CHANGE PLACES” just as everyone was starting to enjoy their tea. In the hustle and bustle, many grievous injuries are sustained, egos are bruised, and the Eggos are ruined. Also, Pluto steps on a small, adorable bunny rabbit.

When its all over but the shouting, we welcome some new players in the game…

Venus charges into the party, with huge hair, totally glammed-out, looking fiercer than a jungle cat mauling Tyra Banks (heh. Word refuses to recognize Tyra. If only it were that easy…). The Sun, in the middle of feeding Psyche tiny cakes of dubious calorie counts, misses her mouth and smears it all over her face as he stares open-mouthed at our girl’s entrance.

Pallas still refuses to recognize the legitimacy of the Sun’s claim to the throne. Jupiter hands her a drink and tells her to calm down and have a good time. She promptly decks him in the jaw.

Ceres and Juno steal the show, with Ceres poisoning her food, and Juno delivering passive-aggressive insults to the others, without touching the food because she is on a new all-grass diet, thank you very much. Ceres delivers a glare that would take down a musk ox.

Mercury grabs his top hat and goes to harass Neptune, switching his drinks for non-alcoholic daiquiris, A crime that will not go unpunished. He retaliates by dropping Mercury’s iPhone in the concoction.

Saturn and Eros talk about the market, the national debt, and interest rates. Much hullabaloo is made over the Asian markets. Impressed, Saturn give Eros his card.  

Vulcan re-enters the drama, calling out Vesta on her cats. Well, honestly Vesta, what do you expect after you drag all 236 of them out to the party? Approximately an hour later they are caught making out behind the ice sculpture.

Eris hangs out with Mars, who really shouldn’t be outside, and just wants to get back home and work on his blog. It doesn’t help anything that Venus looks better than ever, and he is still trying to pretend his ex’s can’t see him if he covers his eyes.

Uranus berates Pluto for the rabbit incident, which turned out to be one of Vesta’s cats, and calls in a flash mob of protesters from his friends at PETA. Chiron comes in to smooth the ruffled feathers, but his work is ruined when Ceres starts shoving cake down Juno’s throat.

The Moon ducks out and hides in the kitchen. Eris throws a boulder through the window to get her back out.

All in all, everyone agrees that it was the most fun they’ve had in ages, do the air-kisses, and promise to do it again soon.

Image courtesy of http://youngnostalgia.blogspot.com/2010/01/wonderland-of-sorts-magic-fantasy.html

If you have a hankering for more awesome astro, go check out Karen here

Also if you think what I do is good, check out the lovely Starzina and her Time of the Month here 
 

ASTROSCENE: Prima Donnas

Act 2, Scene 385,622:  Enter Sun, stage right, in obscenely purple robes with overindulgent fur trim, waving regally to his adoring public. Cross to center stage; Sun trips on robes and falls flat on his face. Pause for uproarious laughter.

Get your tomatoes ready guys, its time for target practice.

As the Sun makes his failed entrance with Psyche on his arm looking gorgeous as always, minor gaffe all but forgiven; her ex, Eros stands on in the crowd with Jupiter, seething with rage. Feeling those familiar tinges of jealousy, coupled with the initial feelings of passion for the overblown windbag fading fast, he dreams wistfully of better times while stringing up his bow. Jupiter looks on crossly. No, wait; hes just cross-eyed. Either way, storm clouds are brewing.

Meanwhile, the Moon goes into full-tilt rescue mode with Mars, who has been reduced to a jumpy, paranoid mess every time the phone rings. Promising too much to too many people, he is swarmed by a legion of exes. Drama ensues, causing him to lock himself away from everyone and shut down his twitter. He starts reading Kerouac and dreaming of a life on the road. The Moon puts an end to that nonsense and helps him start dealing with real life again. Feelings are discussed.

Moving to Venus, we find our favourite girl at the end of her rope. Between the financial strain of living alone, and the emotional train wreck of Venus without a boytoy (slave), she grows despondant and takes on some of Vesta's excess cats. Mercury is sympathetic, but unsuprisingly unhelpful, while Juno offers to help her with some of the cleaning and decor.

Pallas Athene takes to the media to analyze the Sun's conduct and bash him for his gaffe, calling it all sorts of high-minded political words. This wins her no points with the crowd, but wins her a lawsuit from the crown. Vesta's cat count reaches critical mass at 143. Saturn calls the APL.

Speaking of Saturn, he executes his plan for world domination. After a slight hiccup involving the frozen vegetable markets, the entire thing falls apart. He broods for the rest of the day. Next time, more staplers.

Eris wreaks havoc with the divine order. More at 11.

Ceres and Uranus find a suprising ally in Neptune and Chiron. Between the four of them, they hatch a plan to end all the silliness that the others are indulging themselves in. Unfortunately, Mercury and Juno were eavesdropping. Good luck seeing that one go well.

Finnally, we turn to Pluto. He is in the middle of torching everything around him, so we'll come back to him next time. Glad to see hes gotten over that emo phase he was in last time. Oh, wait; hes just looking for his ipod. Such a drama queen. 

Until next time!
AstroGeek

ASTROSCENE: Long Live The King

Hail hail, glory be! The Sun is back in Leo!! Thank Zeus, because if we had to do any more time in Cancer I was about to lodge an official complaint with Uranus, where it would be promptly ignored.

Now without any further ado, the AstroScene. The Sun, finally fed up with Venus being a crazy, clingy, passive-aggressive you-know-what, bails and heads back to the Leo Palace, where Mercury has been keeping his throne warm. A shouting match ensues, which Mercury starts just to get a rise out of the windbag, ending with Psyche crying in the corner. Everybody storms off, but the Sun ends up on the throne. Parties are planned.

The Moon meets up with Jupiter and Eros, and they discuss the incident at the restaurant. Pluto mopes in the corner because, nobody understands him, man or some such nonsense. He forks over the cash to fix up the place, and fades into the night. Well, he throws a smoke bomb and runs away. Same thing.

Mars is still holed up in his house, trying to avoid all his exes. The phone rings, and he sneaks a peek... OH GOD ITS VENUS. That one's going straight to voicemail. He calls up Eris and they go paintballing.

Saturn gets ready to execute Phase 48 of his action plan: Buy 1,238 staplers. Tomorrow, Phase 49: Promote synergy (again).

Pallas and Vesta are no help to anyone, but are extremely surprised to get an invite to the Sun's housewarming party. Not able to resist the ensuing drama, they pencil it in on the calendar.

Neptune is volunteering at the soup kitchen this week. Chiron makes sure he showers afterward, and remembers to feed himself.

Ceres resists the urge to yell at Uranus about his hair. Noticing this (for once) he takes care not to break any more glassware. I smell a compromise... Oh wait, that's a muffin from last week. Nevertheless, its a start.

Sedna comes down to console Venus, as she is blaming everyone but herself about her current situation. Having gone through all of her men, and striking out at every turn, she turns to her friends, who promptly kick her out on the curb because she stole all their men. Sedna, however is just happy to have the company. Venus gives her some hair tips, and Sedna gives her some food. Our girl's in for a rough ride.

But all in all, the stage is set for a fun new act. I just hope everyone sticks to the script this time....


Image courtesy of http://www.bluemantshirts.com/images/bfs_slogans/finished/sofa_king.png

ASTROSCENE: John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, his name is my name too....

Well, guys its that time again. No, not Starzina's Time of the Month. That's something else entirely. No, its time for me to inform you good people about the various antics going on in Olympus, because its not your fault that your invitation got lost in the mail (trust me, youre not missing much).

Miss Moon sobers up and staggers out of The Fish Bar, suits up and heads back to boot camp, where she runs into Uranus. Catching up at the gym, they decide to head back to Ceres' place to refuel. One home-cooked meal later, they snatch up Eris and they go egg Pluto's house. Not satisfied with this minor mischeif, they head over to Saturn's and Fork his lawn (with actual forks this time). On a roll, they head over to go Spoon the Sun's Lawn, but he catches them halfway through and invites them in for ice cream. Venus hogs all the chocolate sauce and almost starts an international incident. 

Meanwhile, Psyche is driving Mercury up a wall. It started with throw pillows, and he turned a blind eye at the curtains, but when all his books suddenly become romance novels, thats going too far! He starts to look at travel websites to places far, far away.

Meanwhile, back at The Fish Bar, Neptune can't decide if he's coming or going, which is just how he likes it. Getting tired of drinking away his pain and running from his problems, he decdides to go volunteer and get his act back together. He and Chiron plant some trees, and drag Mercury along to keep him from throttling Psyche.

Juno and Saturn continue to cozy up to each other, at a speed that make icebergs look reckless. Pallas and Vesta continue to take on cats; theyre up to 70 now. 

Mars, meanwhile, dreams of better times and questions how he got to this stage in his life. 3 seconds later, he goes for a run because, seriously? Cmon its MARS. The man is not big on self-reflection. He then proceeds to spend the rest of the day admiring himself in the mirror, ignoring 329 texts from Mercury to get him the heck away from Neptune. 

Jupiter and Eros take a break for about a split second to gorge themselves on some haute cuisine. Pluto, still steaming about the eggs and needing to get out of the house, tags along and they wreck the place. Suprising no one, the situation devolves into a giant orgy, getting them all banned for life and owing $98,386.39 in damages. 

Image courtesy of my new favorite thing ever, http://pauladeenridingthings.com

ASTROSCENE: Well I once was a sailor, and Sheila was my name...

…ask me again and I’ll tell you the same. Oh hey, didn’t see you there. Well I assume you want a post, right? Of course you do. Wouldn’t want to disappoint my adoring audience hanging on my every word; In lieu of them being here, however, I’ll have to make do with you lot. 

Now before we go any further, let’s give credit where credit is due. Mad props to Starzina over at ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com; without whom, this site would not be possible, and who I draw a lot of my snarky style from. She’s also the sexiest bitch on the internet, and makes wicked awesome videos, which you should really check out and maybe nominate for an Emmy, why not? Oh really? Well there’s always next year.

Alright, now let’s just dive in here and try to sort out all this muck, shall we? 

Miss Moon, fed up with Pallas prattling on and on about her strategy to get gay marriage legalized worldwide (or else), and Vesta’s 54 cats (who are all in heat) slips out the back door and heads to the pub for a quick drink to distress and plan out her next move. There, she runs into Neptune and Chiron, still crying over their miserable lives. She tries to cheer them up, but after a few drinks, she decides to call up her ex and leaves him a depressing voicemail.  Ennui prevails.

Mercury wakes up to some one night stand ranting about tequila and pancakes. No thank you. He throws that phone away and grabs one of the other 795 he has in case of emergencies. Psyche is having an effect on him; he loves how cerebral and logical she is, but he can’t understand her tendency to romanticize everything. He can however, use it to his advantage…

Checking in on Jupiter, JESUS, SHUT THE DOOR!!!!

Pluto debates calling Uranus to help in round 83 against Saturn. He decides against it, and goes for the scotch. 

Speaking of Uranus, Ceres is currently yelling at him, telling him to get a haircut, and something about pancakes.  

Juno comes back from her camping trip with Mars, and to both of their surprise it was actually a lot of fun. She tells the Sun all about it, and they share a laugh. 

Bored, Venus calls up her old friend Eris. And they hatch a plan. Last time it was just a war, this time, who knows? Watch out, Sue in Accounting!

Image courtesy of my sister, whose internet is so fast that she needs a helmet. Well, thats one reason anyway.

ASTROSCENE: Technical Difficulties

Alright guys, fair warning: I write this while I have some mild heat stroke and have been up for 39 straight hours. Therefore, I make no promises on the coherence or the logic, much less the punctuation on this post. That being said; Game on.

When we last left our cast, everything went up in flames for Pluto. He goes in the corner to sulk and listen to Dashboard Confessional for a while. We’ll leave him to it. Saturn, Inc., impressed with the Moon’s brutal attack, calls and offers her a job. She takes one look at Pluto in the corner and asks when she can start. She heads to lunch with Pallas and Vesta, who really need to get out of the house, and they discuss a fair trade, sustainable investment strategy to reinvent Saturn’s image for their huge PR campaign.

Psyche has moved into Mercury’s pad, we’ll see how long that lasts (I give it a month).

Venus and the Sun are still inseparable, but he is beginning to get fed up with her, and is starting to play passive-aggressive power games. Unfortunately, he will lose, because he doesn’t know how to lie.

Ceres has tracked Uranus down and is giving him a big dose of reality. Defeated, he comes back to the city with her.

Jupiter is still…well lets not talk about that for a while. Just tell me when they’re done.

Chiron finally caught up to Neptune in a bar (go figure). The lonely sea god is sitting there nursing a beer with a cockeyed party hat on. Everyone forgot his birthday… The two have a good cry, and go back home to drink some more.

Mars has an existential crisis. Apparently 24-inch biceps and washboard abs aren’t everything. He and Juno decide to go camping. Of course, this is Mars we’re talking about, so they go to Death Valley. I hear its lovely this time of year.


Image courtesy of my dad, who still thinks he is good at fixing things.

ASTROSCENE: Back to work

The Moon comes back from her (too short) vacation, with renewed vigor. A little globetrotting was just what the doctor ordered! She heads back to work where she meets up with Pluto, and they go into a Mission Critical meeting, as the hostile takeover of Saturn, Inc. has just gone into the Red Zone. The C.E.O still has a couple aces left to play before the fat lady sings, though….

Uranus is still trying to track down Enlightenment, last we saw he was in the Australian Outback. We eagerly await a postcard.

Mercury goes out for new gear. Mars showed him up last time, a crime that will not go unpunished.  Venus tags along to try to keep him from blowing all his money. After all, there has to be something left over for her, right? They talk about her vacation, and gossip about Jupiter, and bicker over whether or not Mercury needs a pimp cane and fedora, and several unsuspecting shop girls are caught in the crossfire (obviously they didn’t read the last Astroscene). Final score: Fedora yes, Pimp Cane no. And there’s something left over for Venus, too. Everybody wins, and with minimal bloodshed to boot.

Saturn calls in a favor from Mars and Pallas Athene, who come to the embattled tycoon’s defense. Together, they promote Synergy and some such corporate drivel till they’re blue in the face. To everyone’s surprise, this actually works and the company’s stock rebounds. Enraged, Pluto posts pictures of Mars’ antics with Mercury on his Facebook.

Jupiter calls Chiron for advice after Juno finds out about Eros, but unfortunately the centaur isn’t much help, as he is too busy trying to drag Neptune back into reality (a full-time job to say the least). Which is probably for the best, as getting in between those two never ends well for ANYBODY. Just ask poor Io. Psyche packs her bags and calls Mercury to see if she can crash with him for a while. Vesta blogs about the whole mess, breaking only to feed the 27 stray cats she seems to have taken on.

Meanwhile, a smirking woman watches it all from her penthouse, chomping on an apple. All in a days work...

Image courtesy of http://www.toanthai.com/archive/2007/01/back-from-ca.html

ASTROSCENE: Retrograde Dreamin'

Ok, so the scene today has all the makings of a classic 30’s movie. The Moon is fed up with the dark noir that was the scene, and just wants to get away and start over in some exotic, foreign land where nobody knows who she is or what she did. Ditching the murder weapon, she hops on a plane to Cambodia to go join a Buddhist monastery with Uranus, who really needs a break. Both fed up with Saturn, they meditate for world peace, drink awful tea, and sweep the floors. Bliss.

Saturn, however, is too busy trying to keep Pluto from engaging in a hostile takeover of his company to worry about such silliness. The embattled C.E.O. tries to enlist the help of Venus, but she is in the Caribbean with her current flame, the Sun. While down there, they bump into Jupiter, who is having a secret fling with Eros. Juno and Psyche have no idea, and if Venus starts spilling secrets now, well, lets just say this one is a gimmie.  She swears the Sun to secrecy, blackmailing him with pictures from last week.   

Mars and Mercury hit the bars, terrifying absolutely everyone. Between fist pumping, backward hats, and one heartfelt performance of "Dont cry for me, Argentina" at least 4 clubs close for good, 6 are condemned, and there is one unfortunate incident involving a musk ox.

Pallas and Vesta are avoiding all of this like the plague. No help from Neptune, as hes is still trying to slink away, thinking that if he puts his hands over his eyes hes invisible, with Chiron galloping after him.

Try not to get caught in the crossfire

-Astrogeek




Image courtesy of http://www.filmreference.com/Films-Mi-My/The-Misfits.html