Venus in Aquarius- A Fresh Start

Wait, didnt I just do one of these?? Jeez that girl moves fast!

Ok guys, we're about a week into Venus in Aqua, and at this point you should be feeling it. I want to spend some time on this one because after the insane ride we just took through Capricorn, rehashing old patterns and finding the balls to set new paradigms and put the old ones to bed for good its time to bust out and smash onto the love scene in a blaze of glory!

The key to success for this one is two pronged, but the first thing i want to go over is FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST DUMP THAT #$%@#%ING BAGGAGE ALREADY!!! Since spring of this year, we have been going deep to get rid of every single freaking bit of old drama/crap/baggage while fighting tooth and nail to create a life more in tune with what we really want. Now, one week away from a brand spanking new year, it is time to take everything you learned and rock it out, setting the tone for the best year you will ever have (or the worst one; With Neptune in Pisces its all depending on what you want to create for yourself).

The other part of this is that you cannot doubt yourself in any way, shape or form, not in the slightest, not for one second if you want to capitalize on the gold mine of awesome that this transit can bring. Set your course and stick to it, no matter what. The vibe at the moment is to be simple (as in no issues with past relationships. The expiration date is way past on that crap), conifdent (not smug, just assured), hopeful about what is on the horizon, and oozing awesome.

Aquarius is all about your hopes and dreams, the best possible future; and with Venus rolling through, well the air is downright electric. Its a fun juxtaposition to the grounded, cautious Capricorn vibe that the Sun is in at the moment, having just entered the sign. This is actually really beneficial to the whole scene, as Venus in Aqua does tend to go a bit overboard if left unchecked, so while in Public you are the life of the party, rolling out with bright, shiny sense of hope after the brutal beating we just took, at home your bills are all paid, everything is working, and problems get handled quickly and efficiently. Really, you couldnt ask for better.

Make an investment in your friends and far-flung connections, people that you have lost touch with (especially after New Year's) and re-connect. Right now the focus is on mastering the lessons you learned this year, sharing your experiences with those close to you, and making gains toward your future goals.

A special note to those starting new relationships- Yes, its terrifying and you dont want to mess it up. RELAX and get over yourself; Take a deep breath and go for it! Oh and if you keep overthinking and second-guessing everything you WILL ruin it before it starts.

In short- Relax, dream big and take action for the future while staying grounded in today.


                                                                                       Happy Holidays!
                                                                                       -The AstroGeek




And go check out the fabulous Starzina Starfish-Browne and her always hilarious Time of the Month Horoscope!






Image courtesy of http://www.marketleverage.com/images/skydive.jpg

Full Moon in Gemini/ Lunar Eclipse- Full Disclosure

Ok guys, I am literally writing this right before the eclipse is exact. This is what I get for procrastinating when there is an eclipse in my sign. Syncing to cosmic rhythms, check. Wibbly-Wobbly, Timey-Wimey, Spacey-Wacey universal conciousness mode engaged. Ridiculousness factor? Absolutely.

With absolutely no time for further ado, The Astro!

The Sun/Moon- There is a conjunction/opposition to Hylonome, so right out of the gate you feel as though you cant go on, and you just want your suffering to end. Identify the area of your life where you are suffering, and bring it to a resolution, RIGHT NOW. There is no time to waste. Right now, things seem pretty freaking bleak, but there is so much awesome in the air at the moment, all you have to do is tap into it. An opposition/conjunction to Thereus has you charged up with primal rage, wanting to unleash it on the first person who does you wrong. Remember to keep your true enemies in mind. A conjunction/opposition to Ixion has you brooding on your past mistakes instead of manifesting your future, which sets you up to lose everything that you gained. A square to Astraea has you running from your problems instead of facing them, head on. Another square, to Psyche, strains your intimate relationships and asks you to re-evaluate your commitments. Anything that is past its time, get rid of it. You don't have any room for it anymore. A sextile to Kassandra warns that you could find yourself in a position where pointing out the dangers in someone else's life and situation will do you no good, because it will fall on deaf ears. Trust me, walk away and don't go down with them. A sextile/trine to Lachesis indicates that your time to make changes and set your course is almost up, if you don't move quickly, your choices will be made for you. A trine/sextile to Burney lends itself to your intuition, it is a great time to go deep inside yourself and ask "What do I really want at this stage in my life? What is my next move?" A sextile/trine to Damocles works in your favor for once, allowing you to wield the sword and cut away from toxic situations once and for all. Don't hesitate.

Mercury- A conjunction to Okyrhoe has you watching your tounge, as well you should, because the Retrograde is still in high gear. One wrong word, and you could lose everything. Stay in control. A square to Teharonhiawako could have you questioning whether or not to pursue the path that you set during the last eclipse. Stay focused, and hold off on taking major action until the retrograde is over. Til then, watch, wait and listen. A square to Orcus holds you fast to your word, so make sure you can deliver on it. An opposition to Altjira has you struggling to extricate yourself from a situation you caused, but if you keep your cool and draw your boundaries, you will escape intact. A sextile to Pandora will shake things up with a secret revealed, but for the better. A conjunction to Ophelia (jeez, what is with this literary characters? Oh wait, its Gemini, that's right.) could have you rehashing your disapointments in love, but remember- you took those chances for a reason. Dont let your past mistakes hold you back today, move forward with chutzpah and without fear, while remembering the lessons and hurts.

Venus- Our girl is rocking it right now. A square to Bienor indicates that anything you start now is likely to only be a fleeting dream, but if you hold on and plan for the long term, then you are in a much better position. A trine to Astraea has you at your best, and you are more than willing to wait for life to deliver the best to you. A trine to Psyche helps you overcome the greatest challenges in your situation; no matter what, do not give in- And dont be afraid to ask for help. A trine to Arachne highlights a tendency to be a bit too smug, watch what you say, and if you wind up with egg on your face and you have a way to bow out and save face, take it! A trine to Apollo is brilliant for any type of artistic expression you engage in, dont waste the opportunity! A sextile to Bacchus shows that all you want to do right now is party, remember to get the bills paid on time. A trine to Hephaistos shows that wherever you put your time and effort into right now is where you will see results.

Mars- Our boy has a lot on his plate. First up: A square to Amycus may lead you to forget the way people should be treated, and make no mistake, if your anger gets the best of you, it will not go unnoticed. A square to Chaos shows that you are in control of this situation, and how it unfolds is up to you and the choices that you make. Make them count. A square to Memoria reminds you of how far you've come, taking you back to some places that may be less than pleasant. It's a test, dont forget all your lessons. A trine to Tantalus shows that you may be trying to grab something that will always be out of reach, a fools quest. A trine to Panacea lends some much-needed relief to the situation at hand. Remember that it isnt over yet, however. A sextile to Dionysius helps you rise like a phoenix out of the fire, if you keep your eyes fixed straight on your goals.

Jupiter- Papa Jupiter is back in force, and is not in any mood to be messed with. A sextile to Chiron is so brill for cutting through the crap and getting to the root of the issue. You have to accept it before you can change it. A sextile to Hades also highlights this, as does an opposition to Osiris. An opposition to Requiem tells you that you are a long way from finished, but the end goal is in sight. Finally, an opposition to Hopi has you looking to more holistic and simple ways of living. Decluttering and sustainability are key.

Saturn- An opposition to 1992 QB1 has you pondering your mortality and your mark on the world. Dont worry about your history, just focus on your future. A square to Vulkanus saps your energy away from anything that feels like work. A trine to Vesta keeps you on point though. A trine to Hekate reminds you that this is your path alone, and you are in control of where you go. A sextile to Siwa is great for clearing away the crap of anything outdated or past its prime. Finally, a conjunction to Aphrodite has you chasing what is beautiful, fun and brings you happiness. Dont hesitate.

Uranus- Well look who just went direct! Its time to start moving forward again. This is big guys, as it happened literally hours before the eclipse. He's squaring Hades, challenging you to dig deep and make serious changes, NOW. There's no time for drama or emo attachment, Let it go or it will drag you down. An opposition to Minerva can lead you to make some passionate choices. Make sure you keep your greater strategy in mind. A trine to Photographica lends some much needed instant clarity to the situation at hand. Trust your judgement.

Neptune- A trine to Apollon has you inspired, put some time into exploring your artistic side. A trine to Hekate helps you realize that you do not walk your path alone, you have those who will help you if you only ask. An opposition to Siwa brings you back to reality, and helps you stay on target to deal with your problems.

Pluto- Last but not least, the Lord of Hell is definitely putting us through the wringer guys. That's actually a good thing, because they are in a position where they need to pull out all of the stops to win; and that means we win, we just have to outlast them. An opposition to Cyllarus has you downplaying an issue that might just prove to be your undoing. Tread lightly. A conjunction to Crantor shows that you are still in the crosshairs because of your choices. Invest in Kevlar. A square to Typhon will bring up anything that you have not dealt with and force the issue. Make it the last time it rears its head. An opposition to Kronos shows that the way out is to go deep and Know Thyself. A conjunction to Niobe challenges you to stay humble. Rise above the urge to gloat. A sextile to Diana reminds you that the path to glory is not for those that seek it, but rather those that perform their duty to the best of their ability. A trine to Industria confirms this as well. An opposition to Hera brings up old patterns of jealousy and Power games, stay in Zen mode, and do not fall into the low expression. Finally, a sextile to Ascelpius helps you to diagnose the cause of the dis-ease that you are facing. Heed your own intuition and do what is necessary to cure yourself.

Alright guys, that does it for me, Stay awesome and wear lots of red.

                                                                                 -The AstroGeek



Your song of the Zeitgeist

ASTROSCENE: The Takedown

Hey everyone, sorry about the hiatus. There was an unfortunate incident involving a Snow Leopard that i had to contend with. Note: never take a snow leopard as a roomate; they never clean up after themselves, never pay the rent, and they shed all over the place.

Anyway, you came to see a post. So without further ados....

Since we last left the Sun, he has started a major cult that threatens to take over the globe. Vulcan is a High Priest, and Psyche and Venus are the heads of the Harem, er wives...
Uranus stops by and tries to rally for progressive reforms at the next meeting. Ceres brings quiche. Saturn looks on disapprovingly, while at the same time secretly wanting to join in on the fun.

Pallas prepares an expose of the blatant human rights violations, but Vesta accidentally tapes over the footage with a recording of her cat show. She suprises everyone with her new passion, fantasy baseball.

Mercury re-enters (stage right) the drama; turns out that he is going back to school, and in his abscence he was making a college visit. Neptune knew, but just forgot to mention it to everyone. Chiron whaps him upside the head, then gives him a band-aid.

Turning to the Moon, we find out that she is PISSED and not going to take any of the B.S. any more. She launches an all-out offensive on the Sun's cult, bringing in a team of Mercenaries er, professional security contractors to storm the palace and stage a coup. Jupiter finances the operation, and Pallas comes up with the battle plan. It all goes horribly wrong, and the Cult lives on.

Mars is feeling very depressed, and goes to go pick a fight with Pluto. They wind up talking and find out they have a lot in common, and Pluto gives him some new music for his playlist (Dashboard Confessional, most likely). Neptune joins the party, and brings tequila. Chiron is the DD.

Suprisingly, Eris is not involved in anything. No one has any idea where she is, and everyone is on edge.

Juno is settling well into her new position of V.P. of Operations at SaturnCorp, Inc., and by "settling" we mean a bloodthirsty reign of terror marked by incessant politeness, a removal of all swearing, and loads of pastel colors. The workers start up a new commitee for workplace equality, helped along by Uranus. Ceres brings more quiche.

Eros takes a stroll by himself to get lost, and runs into Sedna. She is instantly charmed by his swarthy, earthy charm, and he is intruiged by her gourgeous...um...eyes. Yeah, thats it.




Ok, so here's the deal: due to circumstances beyond my control, the AstroScene is going to be a weekly thing, as I am more than a little swamped. I am still doing consults (at the moment). The TNO Watch will still be coming out as scheduled.

And as always, go check out my Astro-Crew, found over to the left. They all rock, hard-core.

Image courtesy of mixed-martial-arts-training.org

Mercury Retrograde 8/2-8/26/11: A Chord of Silence

Before I start this post, let me preface by saying: you guys are awesome! The feedback and support i've been getting from this foray into becoming an official astro-commenter has been unreal. Seriously, I never imagined id even get here, i just thought it would be me shouting out to a lonely blog that nobody read. Big shout-out to my awesome friends, Elsa, over at http://astrodispatch.com/ who is kind enough to repost what i say (when its good) to a huge audience i just couldn't get on my own. Now there are people in China, Yugoslavia, Australia, all over the world who are reading my silly posts! Its crazy, and i am crazy grateful. Also, mad love to Karen over at http://ravenesquetarot.com/, without whom none of this would be possible. Seriously, she is amazing and if i am ever half the astrologer she is,i will die a happy man. Last, but certainly not least in anything, Starzina over at http://www.ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/, the inspiration (along with Julie Dembowski over at http://www.distractedastrologer.com/) for this website. Also, mad props to my girl Tracy over at http://serennu.com/. Without her, i would never know where any of my space junk was.

And of course; Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who is reading these posts. You guys are why i do this (so give us a shout in the comments!!).  

Sappiness over and done with, we move on to the good stuff.

Well everybody, its that time of year again. Watch your p's and q's, don't buy any cars, and for god's sake don't sign anything without a team of lawyers at the ready.

Ok, now that we're done with the obligatory (yet still (somewhat) valid) nonsense, here's the real scoop:

To those of you looking at me with fear and confusion in your eyes, let me explain. Every 4 months or so, Mercury appears to turn around and go backward in the sky from our vantage point here on Earth. Now, this is usually greeted by pop astrologers (hem hem) by choruses of banshees shrieking about their internet being funky, cars breaking down, and a general breakdown of communication across the board.

Now, lets be clear about something: This DOES happen. When it happens during these times, its astrology in action; every other time, its called LIFE.

The truth of the matter is, Mercury retrograde is one of my favorite times. I get an excuse to slow down, focus on what really matters, and just take some time to go into zen mode. I tend to leave my super-amazing smart phone at home, turn off my iPad, and just walk around outside with a goofy smile on my face. Well, okay, to be honest i do that anyway. But that's besides the point.

This retrograde period is going to be a really interesting one. For one thing, its starting off at the first degree of Virgo, a very important sign to Mercury, where he is both in Rulership, his home sign, and he has the distinction of also being in Exaltation, the best possible expression of his... for lack of a better word, energy. So we're starting off from a great position.

This is not without its challenges, however. On the other side of the arena is the master of illusions himself, Neptune. In his home sign of Pisces (if only by 4 arc minutes), no less. So expect to go into this not knowing which way is up. The deeper message of Neptune in Pisces, however, is to see past all the b.s. and get to what's really important. And maybe learn some higher truths along the way, some serious God experiences.

I suppose I should explain the title of this post. A major theme for this retro is taking a deep breath and hitting the reset button. You are beginning to recognize where you are causing your own downfall in your story. And as the quote goes "It is not the past that hinders your today, but the portion of it you brought to the present". Its time to bring those old stories to a proper end. When you do that, before you jump into a new one, sit in the silence for a while. Really focus on what you want your new story to sound like. Be present in yourself.

Moving on to the asteroids in play, we find Sisyphus sextile Mercury, suggesting that finally, we are going to be rewarded for our hard work, and it wasn't all for nothing. The work is nowhere near done however, and a new set of challenges awaits. Amor is also in sextile, indicating that your love life is seriously going to be brought up and rehashed in gross detail. Prepare for the exes to come out of the woodwork. Orcus is conjunct the trickster, so beware of promising things you don't intend to deliver on, and watch out for what seems too good to be true, because it is. A sextile to Hades shows us that this is going to be a very deep transit, forcing us to face some ugly truths about ourselves, but if we stand our ground and face them, we will come out stronger for it. Mercury Square Hidalgo indicates that we will encounter some fierce opposition from those who are set in their beliefs, and will try to impress those same beliefs on you. The square to Chariklo doesn't help anything in that regard either, indicating that what we put out there might not be pretty, or welcome, but it is the truth, so stick to your guns. The interesting one to me, however is a trine to Siva, showing the true potential for this transit: the alchemical burning away of everything that you're using to hold yourself back, connecting you to a deeper truth that is unshaken by outside influences.


Now, helping this along, and providing the catalyst for change, is Mars, who is moving to oppose Pluto. This is taking place along the Cancer-Capricorn axis, showing that your personal passions are going to be stirred up. You've had enough talk of change, and improvement. You want the real deal, you want ACTION!! And you know what? You're going to take it. And that awesome vision of how your life could be? You have an opportunity to make real progress on getting to those goals, and making them a reality. In the meantime, however, its going to feel like you're pushing a boulder up a mountain, only to have it fall back down when it gets to the top.

Further emphasizing this is a sextile between Mars, Osiris and Isis-Transpluto. This transit is going to literally back from the dead, and restore your spirit. A square to Typhon, however, reveals that the monsters are still very real, and their claws are still as sharp as they were before. Diana, the wild goddess, is in Sextile, standing shoulder to shoulder with you. You are not alone in your fight here, and the burden is not yours alone. Reach out to your support network, find solace in your friends and family.

Venus is Still bathing in the golden light of Leo, with the Sun and Psyche, in square to Jupiter and Eros, and Opposite Pallas Athene and Vesta. Whew boy. So, we have a conflated self-image tied into the ego and coupled with an unobtainable (and frankly, masochistic) romantic ideal, standing against higher spiritual truth, dedication, and self-perfection ideals bordering on robotic reactions, all being agitated by naive overconfidence and fierce passion and reckless actions based upon attraction alone.  Yep, sounds about right.

In her entourage, we have a conjunction to Altjira, so beware of being too cool and detached, and dont run away from your problems. Another conjunction, this time to Klotho, reveals that a new story is definitely starting when it comes to your relationships. Watch out for a square to Tantalus, because you might keep reaching for something just out of reach when you have what you want in front of your face. A sextile to Nemesis warns of being too proud, and try not to shut anybody down just because you're not interested. Let them down gently.

Jupiter is pissed. He just wants everyone to get along and quit bothering him. He's showing an opposition to Deucalion, so just keep the faith, and do your job well without worrying about the results. Another opposition to Poseidon shows that getting angry and starting drama will get you NOWHERE. Trust me. Just stay out of it, and do you. The last important opposition is to Niobe. Again, stay humble, and be grateful for what you have, or it will go up in flames faster than you can say "Hephaestus". Jupiter is also conjunct Karma, so you will get what is coming to you, but i cant promise what form that will take.

On to Saturn. He is sitting conjuct Zeus, showing that although they are getting along for possibly the first time in ever, he has gone off the deep end and will not hesitate to cut you down if you show the slightest disrespect. A trine to Kassandra shows that his voice of reason will be there, but you just have to listen; ignore it at your own peril. A square to Achilles indicates that you are probing for your own weaknesses, and that you really need to put your armor on that spot.

All in all, its a very active retrograde, and if you stay strong and stay away from and put an end to drama, you will come out the other side stronger than you ever dreamed, and in a position to put your dreams into motion.

I promise you, you will get there.

Image courtesy of http://timetoeatthedogs.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/mercury-god.jpg

ASTROSCENE: Corona-nation!

Corona-nation time, Get your commemorative mugs here, just 3 quid! And thats cutting me own throat! Ask about our two-for three specials and our genuine crown jewels!!

Oh, sorry, didnt see you there. Mind the mugs.

Right, so today is the big day! The royal we and all that....mmhm....cordially invited to attend....coronation of his holy flatulence...Our lord regent....the Sun! Sounds posh!

Ok, im done. Apologies on being a tad behind the ball on this one, but big stuff is in the works, lots to do, you know how it is. Plus you try getting anything accomplished with both Mercury and Neptune squaring your Sun, and Retrograde too, no less. But enough about emo-mumblings and excuses, you came for an astroscene!! Oh, you wanted a mug? Here you go, 6 quid.

For the rest of you, lots to talk about today. The Sun and Moon finally meet in the royal chamber pot, leading to an awkward breakfast. After the initial awkwardness, the two remember all the good times, and how great they both are. Ahhhhh, pleasurable company at last! Later on, Jupiter starts a shouting match, leading to a clash of the windbags. Doors are slammed, Mothers are insulted, and Quiches are baked. Both refuse to apologize, yet move on with their day. Eris hangs out in the kitchen, giving the Moon relationship advice. Psyche and Venus go shopping and let the boys duke it out, but not before grabbing the black Amex. Vulcan avoids everybody.

Pallas, who at this point is little more than a paparazzo hanging out behind the palace, digs through the trash and finds the receipts from Venus' little shopping excursion. Turns out that black Amex was directly linked to the tax funds. Whoopsie... Uranus tries to stage a coup, rallying the common man to fight the oppressive regime, but it doesn't get farther than the corner Starbucks. Chiron nods approvingly, though, and tosses a dollar into his hat while Neptune plays the bongo drums.

Juno goes over to the palace to help smooth over this PR disaster, and proceeds to shout at everybody. Ceres tries to lock her in the attic, but Venus sides with Juno and sends Ceres back to the kitchen. Steaming mad, she almost burns the place down.

Sick of Eris and her games, Mars offers to take Pluto to the gym. 3 minutes later, they both storm out of the place and drive home separately. What transpired in there shall not be discussed, as i would have to change the content warning on my site. Suffice it to say Pluto will not be invited back there for a good long while.

Saturn helps Vesta find a new place, after she gets evicted for her cats. He finds her this great second floor walk-up that has plenty of space, so she can use it for her crystal healing practice. Yoga on thursdays.

Eros goes to collect Jupiter, and instead he finds his old buddy Vulcan. Eros stocks up on some new arrows, and they catch up on old times. Eros promises to find a nice girl to shoot for him.

Turning to Mercury....wait, where'd he go? This cant be good....

Image courtesy of http://bhutanjournals.com/monarchy/5th-druk-gyalpo/coronation-day-long-live-the-king/



If you have a hankering for more awesome astro, go check out Karen here

Also if you think what I do is hilarious and awesome, check out the lovely Starzina and her Time of the Month here 

ASTROSCENE: Mad as a Hatter

How many gods does it take to change a light bulb?

One, as long as Eris stays out of the way. 

 In today’s scene, it appears that someone (not naming any names…Mercury) has shouted out “CHANGE PLACES” just as everyone was starting to enjoy their tea. In the hustle and bustle, many grievous injuries are sustained, egos are bruised, and the Eggos are ruined. Also, Pluto steps on a small, adorable bunny rabbit.

When its all over but the shouting, we welcome some new players in the game…

Venus charges into the party, with huge hair, totally glammed-out, looking fiercer than a jungle cat mauling Tyra Banks (heh. Word refuses to recognize Tyra. If only it were that easy…). The Sun, in the middle of feeding Psyche tiny cakes of dubious calorie counts, misses her mouth and smears it all over her face as he stares open-mouthed at our girl’s entrance.

Pallas still refuses to recognize the legitimacy of the Sun’s claim to the throne. Jupiter hands her a drink and tells her to calm down and have a good time. She promptly decks him in the jaw.

Ceres and Juno steal the show, with Ceres poisoning her food, and Juno delivering passive-aggressive insults to the others, without touching the food because she is on a new all-grass diet, thank you very much. Ceres delivers a glare that would take down a musk ox.

Mercury grabs his top hat and goes to harass Neptune, switching his drinks for non-alcoholic daiquiris, A crime that will not go unpunished. He retaliates by dropping Mercury’s iPhone in the concoction.

Saturn and Eros talk about the market, the national debt, and interest rates. Much hullabaloo is made over the Asian markets. Impressed, Saturn give Eros his card.  

Vulcan re-enters the drama, calling out Vesta on her cats. Well, honestly Vesta, what do you expect after you drag all 236 of them out to the party? Approximately an hour later they are caught making out behind the ice sculpture.

Eris hangs out with Mars, who really shouldn’t be outside, and just wants to get back home and work on his blog. It doesn’t help anything that Venus looks better than ever, and he is still trying to pretend his ex’s can’t see him if he covers his eyes.

Uranus berates Pluto for the rabbit incident, which turned out to be one of Vesta’s cats, and calls in a flash mob of protesters from his friends at PETA. Chiron comes in to smooth the ruffled feathers, but his work is ruined when Ceres starts shoving cake down Juno’s throat.

The Moon ducks out and hides in the kitchen. Eris throws a boulder through the window to get her back out.

All in all, everyone agrees that it was the most fun they’ve had in ages, do the air-kisses, and promise to do it again soon.

Image courtesy of http://youngnostalgia.blogspot.com/2010/01/wonderland-of-sorts-magic-fantasy.html

If you have a hankering for more awesome astro, go check out Karen here

Also if you think what I do is good, check out the lovely Starzina and her Time of the Month here 
 

ASTROSCENE: John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, his name is my name too....

Well, guys its that time again. No, not Starzina's Time of the Month. That's something else entirely. No, its time for me to inform you good people about the various antics going on in Olympus, because its not your fault that your invitation got lost in the mail (trust me, youre not missing much).

Miss Moon sobers up and staggers out of The Fish Bar, suits up and heads back to boot camp, where she runs into Uranus. Catching up at the gym, they decide to head back to Ceres' place to refuel. One home-cooked meal later, they snatch up Eris and they go egg Pluto's house. Not satisfied with this minor mischeif, they head over to Saturn's and Fork his lawn (with actual forks this time). On a roll, they head over to go Spoon the Sun's Lawn, but he catches them halfway through and invites them in for ice cream. Venus hogs all the chocolate sauce and almost starts an international incident. 

Meanwhile, Psyche is driving Mercury up a wall. It started with throw pillows, and he turned a blind eye at the curtains, but when all his books suddenly become romance novels, thats going too far! He starts to look at travel websites to places far, far away.

Meanwhile, back at The Fish Bar, Neptune can't decide if he's coming or going, which is just how he likes it. Getting tired of drinking away his pain and running from his problems, he decdides to go volunteer and get his act back together. He and Chiron plant some trees, and drag Mercury along to keep him from throttling Psyche.

Juno and Saturn continue to cozy up to each other, at a speed that make icebergs look reckless. Pallas and Vesta continue to take on cats; theyre up to 70 now. 

Mars, meanwhile, dreams of better times and questions how he got to this stage in his life. 3 seconds later, he goes for a run because, seriously? Cmon its MARS. The man is not big on self-reflection. He then proceeds to spend the rest of the day admiring himself in the mirror, ignoring 329 texts from Mercury to get him the heck away from Neptune. 

Jupiter and Eros take a break for about a split second to gorge themselves on some haute cuisine. Pluto, still steaming about the eggs and needing to get out of the house, tags along and they wreck the place. Suprising no one, the situation devolves into a giant orgy, getting them all banned for life and owing $98,386.39 in damages. 

Image courtesy of my new favorite thing ever, http://pauladeenridingthings.com

ASTROSCENE: Well I once was a sailor, and Sheila was my name...

…ask me again and I’ll tell you the same. Oh hey, didn’t see you there. Well I assume you want a post, right? Of course you do. Wouldn’t want to disappoint my adoring audience hanging on my every word; In lieu of them being here, however, I’ll have to make do with you lot. 

Now before we go any further, let’s give credit where credit is due. Mad props to Starzina over at ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com; without whom, this site would not be possible, and who I draw a lot of my snarky style from. She’s also the sexiest bitch on the internet, and makes wicked awesome videos, which you should really check out and maybe nominate for an Emmy, why not? Oh really? Well there’s always next year.

Alright, now let’s just dive in here and try to sort out all this muck, shall we? 

Miss Moon, fed up with Pallas prattling on and on about her strategy to get gay marriage legalized worldwide (or else), and Vesta’s 54 cats (who are all in heat) slips out the back door and heads to the pub for a quick drink to distress and plan out her next move. There, she runs into Neptune and Chiron, still crying over their miserable lives. She tries to cheer them up, but after a few drinks, she decides to call up her ex and leaves him a depressing voicemail.  Ennui prevails.

Mercury wakes up to some one night stand ranting about tequila and pancakes. No thank you. He throws that phone away and grabs one of the other 795 he has in case of emergencies. Psyche is having an effect on him; he loves how cerebral and logical she is, but he can’t understand her tendency to romanticize everything. He can however, use it to his advantage…

Checking in on Jupiter, JESUS, SHUT THE DOOR!!!!

Pluto debates calling Uranus to help in round 83 against Saturn. He decides against it, and goes for the scotch. 

Speaking of Uranus, Ceres is currently yelling at him, telling him to get a haircut, and something about pancakes.  

Juno comes back from her camping trip with Mars, and to both of their surprise it was actually a lot of fun. She tells the Sun all about it, and they share a laugh. 

Bored, Venus calls up her old friend Eris. And they hatch a plan. Last time it was just a war, this time, who knows? Watch out, Sue in Accounting!

Image courtesy of my sister, whose internet is so fast that she needs a helmet. Well, thats one reason anyway.