Sunday, July 31, 2011

ASTROSCENE: Corona-nation!

Corona-nation time, Get your commemorative mugs here, just 3 quid! And thats cutting me own throat! Ask about our two-for three specials and our genuine crown jewels!!

Oh, sorry, didnt see you there. Mind the mugs.

Right, so today is the big day! The royal we and all that....mmhm....cordially invited to attend....coronation of his holy flatulence...Our lord regent....the Sun! Sounds posh!

Ok, im done. Apologies on being a tad behind the ball on this one, but big stuff is in the works, lots to do, you know how it is. Plus you try getting anything accomplished with both Mercury and Neptune squaring your Sun, and Retrograde too, no less. But enough about emo-mumblings and excuses, you came for an astroscene!! Oh, you wanted a mug? Here you go, 6 quid.

For the rest of you, lots to talk about today. The Sun and Moon finally meet in the royal chamber pot, leading to an awkward breakfast. After the initial awkwardness, the two remember all the good times, and how great they both are. Ahhhhh, pleasurable company at last! Later on, Jupiter starts a shouting match, leading to a clash of the windbags. Doors are slammed, Mothers are insulted, and Quiches are baked. Both refuse to apologize, yet move on with their day. Eris hangs out in the kitchen, giving the Moon relationship advice. Psyche and Venus go shopping and let the boys duke it out, but not before grabbing the black Amex. Vulcan avoids everybody.

Pallas, who at this point is little more than a paparazzo hanging out behind the palace, digs through the trash and finds the receipts from Venus' little shopping excursion. Turns out that black Amex was directly linked to the tax funds. Whoopsie... Uranus tries to stage a coup, rallying the common man to fight the oppressive regime, but it doesn't get farther than the corner Starbucks. Chiron nods approvingly, though, and tosses a dollar into his hat while Neptune plays the bongo drums.

Juno goes over to the palace to help smooth over this PR disaster, and proceeds to shout at everybody. Ceres tries to lock her in the attic, but Venus sides with Juno and sends Ceres back to the kitchen. Steaming mad, she almost burns the place down.

Sick of Eris and her games, Mars offers to take Pluto to the gym. 3 minutes later, they both storm out of the place and drive home separately. What transpired in there shall not be discussed, as i would have to change the content warning on my site. Suffice it to say Pluto will not be invited back there for a good long while.

Saturn helps Vesta find a new place, after she gets evicted for her cats. He finds her this great second floor walk-up that has plenty of space, so she can use it for her crystal healing practice. Yoga on thursdays.

Eros goes to collect Jupiter, and instead he finds his old buddy Vulcan. Eros stocks up on some new arrows, and they catch up on old times. Eros promises to find a nice girl to shoot for him.

Turning to Mercury....wait, where'd he go? This cant be good....

Image courtesy of

If you have a hankering for more awesome astro, go check out Karen here

Also if you think what I do is hilarious and awesome, check out the lovely Starzina and her Time of the Month here 

Friday, July 29, 2011

ASTROSCENE: Mad as a Hatter

How many gods does it take to change a light bulb?

One, as long as Eris stays out of the way. 

 In today’s scene, it appears that someone (not naming any names…Mercury) has shouted out “CHANGE PLACES” just as everyone was starting to enjoy their tea. In the hustle and bustle, many grievous injuries are sustained, egos are bruised, and the Eggos are ruined. Also, Pluto steps on a small, adorable bunny rabbit.

When its all over but the shouting, we welcome some new players in the game…

Venus charges into the party, with huge hair, totally glammed-out, looking fiercer than a jungle cat mauling Tyra Banks (heh. Word refuses to recognize Tyra. If only it were that easy…). The Sun, in the middle of feeding Psyche tiny cakes of dubious calorie counts, misses her mouth and smears it all over her face as he stares open-mouthed at our girl’s entrance.

Pallas still refuses to recognize the legitimacy of the Sun’s claim to the throne. Jupiter hands her a drink and tells her to calm down and have a good time. She promptly decks him in the jaw.

Ceres and Juno steal the show, with Ceres poisoning her food, and Juno delivering passive-aggressive insults to the others, without touching the food because she is on a new all-grass diet, thank you very much. Ceres delivers a glare that would take down a musk ox.

Mercury grabs his top hat and goes to harass Neptune, switching his drinks for non-alcoholic daiquiris, A crime that will not go unpunished. He retaliates by dropping Mercury’s iPhone in the concoction.

Saturn and Eros talk about the market, the national debt, and interest rates. Much hullabaloo is made over the Asian markets. Impressed, Saturn give Eros his card.  

Vulcan re-enters the drama, calling out Vesta on her cats. Well, honestly Vesta, what do you expect after you drag all 236 of them out to the party? Approximately an hour later they are caught making out behind the ice sculpture.

Eris hangs out with Mars, who really shouldn’t be outside, and just wants to get back home and work on his blog. It doesn’t help anything that Venus looks better than ever, and he is still trying to pretend his ex’s can’t see him if he covers his eyes.

Uranus berates Pluto for the rabbit incident, which turned out to be one of Vesta’s cats, and calls in a flash mob of protesters from his friends at PETA. Chiron comes in to smooth the ruffled feathers, but his work is ruined when Ceres starts shoving cake down Juno’s throat.

The Moon ducks out and hides in the kitchen. Eris throws a boulder through the window to get her back out.

All in all, everyone agrees that it was the most fun they’ve had in ages, do the air-kisses, and promise to do it again soon.

Image courtesy of

If you have a hankering for more awesome astro, go check out Karen here

Also if you think what I do is good, check out the lovely Starzina and her Time of the Month here 

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

ASTROSCENE: Prima Donnas

Act 2, Scene 385,622:  Enter Sun, stage right, in obscenely purple robes with overindulgent fur trim, waving regally to his adoring public. Cross to center stage; Sun trips on robes and falls flat on his face. Pause for uproarious laughter.

Get your tomatoes ready guys, its time for target practice.

As the Sun makes his failed entrance with Psyche on his arm looking gorgeous as always, minor gaffe all but forgiven; her ex, Eros stands on in the crowd with Jupiter, seething with rage. Feeling those familiar tinges of jealousy, coupled with the initial feelings of passion for the overblown windbag fading fast, he dreams wistfully of better times while stringing up his bow. Jupiter looks on crossly. No, wait; hes just cross-eyed. Either way, storm clouds are brewing.

Meanwhile, the Moon goes into full-tilt rescue mode with Mars, who has been reduced to a jumpy, paranoid mess every time the phone rings. Promising too much to too many people, he is swarmed by a legion of exes. Drama ensues, causing him to lock himself away from everyone and shut down his twitter. He starts reading Kerouac and dreaming of a life on the road. The Moon puts an end to that nonsense and helps him start dealing with real life again. Feelings are discussed.

Moving to Venus, we find our favourite girl at the end of her rope. Between the financial strain of living alone, and the emotional train wreck of Venus without a boytoy (slave), she grows despondant and takes on some of Vesta's excess cats. Mercury is sympathetic, but unsuprisingly unhelpful, while Juno offers to help her with some of the cleaning and decor.

Pallas Athene takes to the media to analyze the Sun's conduct and bash him for his gaffe, calling it all sorts of high-minded political words. This wins her no points with the crowd, but wins her a lawsuit from the crown. Vesta's cat count reaches critical mass at 143. Saturn calls the APL.

Speaking of Saturn, he executes his plan for world domination. After a slight hiccup involving the frozen vegetable markets, the entire thing falls apart. He broods for the rest of the day. Next time, more staplers.

Eris wreaks havoc with the divine order. More at 11.

Ceres and Uranus find a suprising ally in Neptune and Chiron. Between the four of them, they hatch a plan to end all the silliness that the others are indulging themselves in. Unfortunately, Mercury and Juno were eavesdropping. Good luck seeing that one go well.

Finnally, we turn to Pluto. He is in the middle of torching everything around him, so we'll come back to him next time. Glad to see hes gotten over that emo phase he was in last time. Oh, wait; hes just looking for his ipod. Such a drama queen. 

Until next time!

Monday, July 25, 2011

TNO Watch: Phaethon

 OK, i don't know about you guys, but i am getting bored with these water gods. Not that they're not fascinating, but i don't want to be called a one-trick pony. Lets see what else i have here.... Orcus, no way, still dont know enough about him myself; Mekemeke, enh, not today, ive had enough birds to last me for a month; Borasisi, nope not trying to deal with any more drama about whats real and whats this it?

Oh wait, here we go. Phaethon. Might as well give him a shout, as hes the one who's been wreaking havoc on my life at the moment. Ties in nicely with the Leo theme, too.

The Astronomy: Ok, so i know hes not a TNO per se, but rules were made to be broken right? Anyway, Phaethon is really cool. He is an Apollo asteroid, and has the distinction of being the asteroid that comes closest to the Sun, getting right next to Mercury at perihelion.  His orbit crosses that of Mercury, Venus, Earth and Mars. It was also discovered that Phaethon is the parent body of the Geminid meteor shower. He shows characteristics of both an asteroid and a comet, despite the fact that no coma (the comet's tail) has ever been observed.

The Myth: Now I admit, this is one of my favorite myths. Im going to try to do it justice. Phaethon was the son of Helios (not Apollo. Long Story), and grew up as a normal kid in ancient Greece, where 40% of the population were godlings. His mother Clymene made sure he was proud of his parentage, and he did not hesitate to tell everyone he knew that his dad rode through the sky everyday in a golden chariot. Unfortunately, kids being kids even in year one, he was laughed at mercilessly.

Not one to give up (and putting way too much faith in his mother), Phaethon goes to seek out Helios in his shining castle and claim his birthright. Helios rejoices to meet his son, and is so happy that he swears an unbreakable oath to do anything to prove that he is Phaethons father.

Phaethon arches his eyebrow and says "anything, huh?"

The kid demands to drive the Sun chariot for a day, so he can prove to all his stupid friends how cool he is. And then maybe go see his smoking hot girlfriend (she lives in another city-state, you wouldn't know her), but only if there's time after the wicked awesome robot battle. Helios understandably is freaked out by the idea, and tries to get him to pick something else. Phaeton is having none of it, and without anything else to offer him, Helios makes the worst mistake ever and GIVES IN to his kid.

Theres no way this could possibly go wrong right? Its just the sun, how much harm can a chariot cause? Wait, its horses are made of fire, breathe fire, and the chariot itself is hotter than the forges of Hephaestus (who incidentally made the chariot)? Oh gods.

So the dawn comes, and Helios tries to talk him out of it, but the kid is stubborn. He takes the reigns and heads out. At first, everything is fine, just a leisurely jaunt, same as every day. Then the horses notice that its not the same guy as it usually is. They freak out and try to bolt, as horses are prone to do. First they go too high, and the Earth starts to freeze. Then they go too low, and thats when everything goes south.

Cities, people and rivers start to burn. Africa goes from a jungle into a desert. Posiedon is pissed and waves his trident around for a while and dives back down when it gets too hot, being just about as useful as Aquaman, despite this being an incident where being able to control large amounts of water just might come in handy. But no, its cool; we got this bro, just do you. At this point the poor kid is blind and badly burned. Zeus shoots off a thunderbolt, puts him out of his misery, and he falls into a river. His seven sisters, the Heliades, who saw the whole thing cry for a week and get turned into trees. His mother laments Helios, "who men rightly call Apollon (destroyer)", leading to the confusion over the two.

Why He Matters: So what did we learn today kids? Dont try to bite off more than you can chew is the right answer here. Astrologically, Phaethon is a powerhouse. His name means "shining one", so to start off with, hes the golden child, who has so much potential to do amazing things. But his Achilles heel is his pride, and how easily he lets the criticism of others get to him. He gets laughed at, and he childishly allows them to get a reaction from him, and it leads to his downfall. News flash: life is tough, and then you die. Youre going to get laughed at. The only thing you can do is ignore it and just do you. Or you can get even, which never ends well; Just ask Eris.  

Alternatively, Phaethon can represent someone who "sets the world on fire", whether this is for good or ill. This is very prevalent in the case of Casey Anthony, who has Phaethon exactly conjunct her Midheaven (in the public eye), Opposed to Pluto (death), Sextile the Moon (motherhood, children), Trining Ceres (the loss of a daughter), the Vertex (fate) and Neptune (the media, alcohol, poor decisions, celebrity status), quincunx Saturn (responsibility, being an adult). After her not guilty verdict, the internet blazed with public outcry to give her capital punishment for her (alleged) crimes. Howard Stern, another great example, has Phaethon exactly quincunx his Mars (actions). Rush Limbaugh, a public figure well known for being very vocal about everything he disagrees with, has Phaethon conjunct his Part of Fortune (one's place in the world) and Eris (stirring up trouble), square Mercury (ideas, radio), Uranus (shocking, rebellious) and Pallas Athene (political beliefs), and Opposed to Saturn (the established order, authority, good sense).

Look to Phaethon any time you have something going wildly out of control, or when circumstances feel like they're out of you're hands. Some parental emphasis is suggested as well, due to the mother's prodding and claiming the absent father's birthright.

Also, there is the mundane element of his rulership over chariots, or for us modern folk, our cars. Trust me on this one, I bought a new car, and little did I know i was going through a Phaethon Return (which just so happens to take place right on my sun, tying in the irony). I wanted to show it off to my family, to show them that i was more responsible, and doing better for myself. Long story short, I ran into some rain, hydroplaned, did a 360 degree turn, went off an embankment and totaled the car. First day, no less. Then, a week later, the car i was replacing ALSO hydroplanes, this time in a development, and i drive it away, but it overheats and blows up. Luckily no one was hurt in either case (except my pride and bank account).

In closing I leave you with this epithet, written on Phaethon's tomb.- "Here lies Phaethon: Greatly he failed, but Greatly he dared"

Image courtesy of

Saturday, July 23, 2011

ASTROSCENE: Long Live The King

Hail hail, glory be! The Sun is back in Leo!! Thank Zeus, because if we had to do any more time in Cancer I was about to lodge an official complaint with Uranus, where it would be promptly ignored.

Now without any further ado, the AstroScene. The Sun, finally fed up with Venus being a crazy, clingy, passive-aggressive you-know-what, bails and heads back to the Leo Palace, where Mercury has been keeping his throne warm. A shouting match ensues, which Mercury starts just to get a rise out of the windbag, ending with Psyche crying in the corner. Everybody storms off, but the Sun ends up on the throne. Parties are planned.

The Moon meets up with Jupiter and Eros, and they discuss the incident at the restaurant. Pluto mopes in the corner because, nobody understands him, man or some such nonsense. He forks over the cash to fix up the place, and fades into the night. Well, he throws a smoke bomb and runs away. Same thing.

Mars is still holed up in his house, trying to avoid all his exes. The phone rings, and he sneaks a peek... OH GOD ITS VENUS. That one's going straight to voicemail. He calls up Eris and they go paintballing.

Saturn gets ready to execute Phase 48 of his action plan: Buy 1,238 staplers. Tomorrow, Phase 49: Promote synergy (again).

Pallas and Vesta are no help to anyone, but are extremely surprised to get an invite to the Sun's housewarming party. Not able to resist the ensuing drama, they pencil it in on the calendar.

Neptune is volunteering at the soup kitchen this week. Chiron makes sure he showers afterward, and remembers to feed himself.

Ceres resists the urge to yell at Uranus about his hair. Noticing this (for once) he takes care not to break any more glassware. I smell a compromise... Oh wait, that's a muffin from last week. Nevertheless, its a start.

Sedna comes down to console Venus, as she is blaming everyone but herself about her current situation. Having gone through all of her men, and striking out at every turn, she turns to her friends, who promptly kick her out on the curb because she stole all their men. Sedna, however is just happy to have the company. Venus gives her some hair tips, and Sedna gives her some food. Our girl's in for a rough ride.

But all in all, the stage is set for a fun new act. I just hope everyone sticks to the script this time....

Image courtesy of

Friday, July 22, 2011

Jupiter conjunct Eros

Ok, here at the Skywatch, we have a lot of fun defaming er, libeling... joking around with Jupiter, who has been hanging around with Eros in Taurus. Now, while my interpretation of this transit in the AstroScene is admittedly hilarious, this transit is actually an awesome opportunity that i would be remiss to let go.

First, an intro:  Big Daddy Jupiter is the head honcho on Olympus. Therefore, he gets top billing at the best gigs. Jupiter is like the ultimate sugar daddy. if you're looking for a lucky break, or you just need to coast a little bit after a particularly rough Saturn transit, this is the planet you need to watch.  That being said, his Achilles heel is that sometimes luck backfires, or instead of coasting you really need to buckle down harder and implement everything Saturn taught you. With Jupiter though, it can be hard to see reality, kind of like Neptune, but nowhere near as bad. Jupiter is just a minor attitude adjustment. He is the awesome professor that inspires you, or the guru who helps you see a way to live your life with a deeper spiritual connection. Jupiter excels at shifting your perception to encourage your growth and overcome the challenges in your life.

Eros however, represents your passion, and your personal drama. And yes, he also has a huge say in your love life, specifically the initial moment of attraction. For example, your humble astrologer has his Eros in Aries, part of a huge Stellium (group of planets) including heavy hitters like the Moon, Venus, Eris and Vesta. Now, this tends to manifest itself in me being a total tool when im interested in you; basically being loud, really energetic, and with a smile on my face bigger than a peeled banana trying to convince you of my awesomeness (along with the occasional boast). And if you challenge me? Forgeddaboutit. But i am also extremely passionate about fitness; if I miss a workout, I have more pent up energy than I know what to do with, which never ends well. Any cause devoted to the military and our soldiers, i am probably a supporter. Same story with kids charities. All classic Aries, and i am not ashamed to admit it.

So, now that I've succesfully tweeted my own horn, lets get to...

What it Means: With these two sharing the same bit of sky, the focus is on following your passion, consequences be damned. Its the ultimate fool's journey, with Jupiter's naive optimism, and Eros' wild passion, the potential is HUGE to chase after your dreams with reckless abandon, so that you can create the life you want. However the potential is also there to crash and burn in a blaze of glory (but more on Phaeton later). Your creative juices are flowing at full blast, and its up to you to channel them in the best possible way.

Now this is all taking place in Taurus, the sign of self-gratification. Ruled by Venus; Fashion Art, Pleasure, Hedonism and Indulgence are all trademarked by Taurus. Its all about the senses when you're dealing with the bull. Taurus loves the best in absolutely everything, and will not settle for less. The awesome thing about Taurus is that the gourmet desire is also coupled with an amazing financial know-how to make sure there's always enough in the bank account.

Also in the mix is Pluto, who is busy doing some serious demolition in Capricorn. He is in a Trine to these two, giving their conjunction an even bigger potential for change and achievement. 

So you have Jupiter (growth) conjunct Eros (passion) in Taurus (material, excellence, beauty), trine Pluto (transformation) in Capricorn (the world, achievement). Depending on where this transit is happening in your chart, you are being inspired to create a path that reflects your passion and calling in life. Follow it, but stay grounded.

So go out, take a painting/writing class, spend some time with your family, start up a new workout regimen, get back out there and search for romance; or whatever else your heart leads you to do. But above all, this transit is one that says, "Get out and enjoy yourself!!". All too often, we so get wrapped up in our personal dramas that we forget that we are not put on this planet to be miserable. Go have some fun, i promise its not going to kill you.

Over and out

Image courtesy of

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

ASTROSCENE: John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, his name is my name too....

Well, guys its that time again. No, not Starzina's Time of the Month. That's something else entirely. No, its time for me to inform you good people about the various antics going on in Olympus, because its not your fault that your invitation got lost in the mail (trust me, youre not missing much).

Miss Moon sobers up and staggers out of The Fish Bar, suits up and heads back to boot camp, where she runs into Uranus. Catching up at the gym, they decide to head back to Ceres' place to refuel. One home-cooked meal later, they snatch up Eris and they go egg Pluto's house. Not satisfied with this minor mischeif, they head over to Saturn's and Fork his lawn (with actual forks this time). On a roll, they head over to go Spoon the Sun's Lawn, but he catches them halfway through and invites them in for ice cream. Venus hogs all the chocolate sauce and almost starts an international incident. 

Meanwhile, Psyche is driving Mercury up a wall. It started with throw pillows, and he turned a blind eye at the curtains, but when all his books suddenly become romance novels, thats going too far! He starts to look at travel websites to places far, far away.

Meanwhile, back at The Fish Bar, Neptune can't decide if he's coming or going, which is just how he likes it. Getting tired of drinking away his pain and running from his problems, he decdides to go volunteer and get his act back together. He and Chiron plant some trees, and drag Mercury along to keep him from throttling Psyche.

Juno and Saturn continue to cozy up to each other, at a speed that make icebergs look reckless. Pallas and Vesta continue to take on cats; theyre up to 70 now. 

Mars, meanwhile, dreams of better times and questions how he got to this stage in his life. 3 seconds later, he goes for a run because, seriously? Cmon its MARS. The man is not big on self-reflection. He then proceeds to spend the rest of the day admiring himself in the mirror, ignoring 329 texts from Mercury to get him the heck away from Neptune. 

Jupiter and Eros take a break for about a split second to gorge themselves on some haute cuisine. Pluto, still steaming about the eggs and needing to get out of the house, tags along and they wreck the place. Suprising no one, the situation devolves into a giant orgy, getting them all banned for life and owing $98,386.39 in damages. 

Image courtesy of my new favorite thing ever,

Monday, July 18, 2011

TNO Watch: Ceto


ahem. Now that we got THAT out of our system...

The Astronomy: Ceto is a binary TNO, the other part of the pair being Phorcys, her brother/husband. Ceto is way out there, even farther than Varuna, and has an orbital period of 998 years. She is too small and not dense enough to be considered a dwarf planet, and is considered to be the second binary centaur system, using an extended definition of a Centaur as an object on an non-resonant (unstable) orbit with the perihelion inside the orbit of Neptune. She reached perihelion in 1989. It is assumed that this object has a frozen core of methane ice.  

The Myth: In Greek mythology, Ceto was a primordial deity, a hideous female sea monster, daughter of Gaea and Pontus. She was the personification of the dangers of the sea, unknown terrors and bizarre marine creatures. Her name came from the neuter noun kētos, "sea monster", which gives us the term cetacean today. Her husband was Phorcys and they had many children, collectively known as the Phorcydes or Phorcydides.

Why She Matters: The way I use Ceto in astrology, She represents the monster lurking in the depths of your unconscious mind that you seek to hide. Almost all of the TNO's are tied into psychology in one way or another, and are deeply involved with the subconscious. With Ceto however, She seems to go even deeper than Sedna, and tends to be so prevalent that it is in the background all the time, and when it comes to the surface it surprises everyone. 

Mark Andrew Holmes says Ceto is involved with pictures, and photography, and specifically monsters rearing their heads (I love that description for this object). I agree, but add in monsters rearing their heads to strike. Add in the monster element, and i draw the conclusion of the celebrity who lets the fame go to their head, and destroys everything they worked so hard for.

What I find interesting about Ceto-Phorcys is how it ties into my generation. I was born in 1990 (during another Cardinal Crisis, but that's another post), right as Ceto was making her perihelion. Interestingly enough, this all happened when she was smack dab on the South Node, with Orcus (an extremely interesting and mysterious TNO, also another post), and squaring Pluto-Ixion. Now if there is one thing I hear all the time about my generation, it’s how foul and nasty we are. Either that or we’re some sort of magical heroes who are supposed to fix all the problems in the world. These are both extremely stupid. We are no more foul than the ones who came before us, but the difference is we are much more open about it.

Ceto has an irregular orbit, spending 300 years in Aquarius, her aphelion, while taking only 5 years to go through Leo, her perihelion. Zane makes an extremely interesting point that this could in fact be related to the breakneck pace at which our lives have changed in the last century or so. I bring up the idea again of Ceto lurking in the depths, then coming out of nowhere to strike you when you have your back turned, in regard to technology. As more people regularly use social networking, more and more companies are using this new media to screen potential hires, and ax employees who behave in a way that dosent quite fit the companies ideal. As my generation grows up to become adults, this is going to be more and more of an issue. Tying in with Mark’s idea of pictures, the fun night you have tonight may lead to you looking for a new job next week.

Caution and foresight are the watchwords here, as is vigilance. I chose the image above because it not only illustrates the point I’m trying to make, but also highlights another issue: the pure spiritual person fighting against powerful monsters, using underhanded tactics and being taken by surprise. Too often, spiritual people make a mistake that derails them and they go into depression, often abandoning the ideals they held dear and coming out the other side as the epitome of what they hated.   

Be careful, be smart, and protect yourself, and you'll be all right.

Image courtesy of

ASTROSCENE: Well I once was a sailor, and Sheila was my name...

…ask me again and I’ll tell you the same. Oh hey, didn’t see you there. Well I assume you want a post, right? Of course you do. Wouldn’t want to disappoint my adoring audience hanging on my every word; In lieu of them being here, however, I’ll have to make do with you lot. 

Now before we go any further, let’s give credit where credit is due. Mad props to Starzina over at; without whom, this site would not be possible, and who I draw a lot of my snarky style from. She’s also the sexiest bitch on the internet, and makes wicked awesome videos, which you should really check out and maybe nominate for an Emmy, why not? Oh really? Well there’s always next year.

Alright, now let’s just dive in here and try to sort out all this muck, shall we? 

Miss Moon, fed up with Pallas prattling on and on about her strategy to get gay marriage legalized worldwide (or else), and Vesta’s 54 cats (who are all in heat) slips out the back door and heads to the pub for a quick drink to distress and plan out her next move. There, she runs into Neptune and Chiron, still crying over their miserable lives. She tries to cheer them up, but after a few drinks, she decides to call up her ex and leaves him a depressing voicemail.  Ennui prevails.

Mercury wakes up to some one night stand ranting about tequila and pancakes. No thank you. He throws that phone away and grabs one of the other 795 he has in case of emergencies. Psyche is having an effect on him; he loves how cerebral and logical she is, but he can’t understand her tendency to romanticize everything. He can however, use it to his advantage…

Checking in on Jupiter, JESUS, SHUT THE DOOR!!!!

Pluto debates calling Uranus to help in round 83 against Saturn. He decides against it, and goes for the scotch. 

Speaking of Uranus, Ceres is currently yelling at him, telling him to get a haircut, and something about pancakes.  

Juno comes back from her camping trip with Mars, and to both of their surprise it was actually a lot of fun. She tells the Sun all about it, and they share a laugh. 

Bored, Venus calls up her old friend Eris. And they hatch a plan. Last time it was just a war, this time, who knows? Watch out, Sue in Accounting!

Image courtesy of my sister, whose internet is so fast that she needs a helmet. Well, thats one reason anyway.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

ASTROSCENE: Technical Difficulties

Alright guys, fair warning: I write this while I have some mild heat stroke and have been up for 39 straight hours. Therefore, I make no promises on the coherence or the logic, much less the punctuation on this post. That being said; Game on.

When we last left our cast, everything went up in flames for Pluto. He goes in the corner to sulk and listen to Dashboard Confessional for a while. We’ll leave him to it. Saturn, Inc., impressed with the Moon’s brutal attack, calls and offers her a job. She takes one look at Pluto in the corner and asks when she can start. She heads to lunch with Pallas and Vesta, who really need to get out of the house, and they discuss a fair trade, sustainable investment strategy to reinvent Saturn’s image for their huge PR campaign.

Psyche has moved into Mercury’s pad, we’ll see how long that lasts (I give it a month).

Venus and the Sun are still inseparable, but he is beginning to get fed up with her, and is starting to play passive-aggressive power games. Unfortunately, he will lose, because he doesn’t know how to lie.

Ceres has tracked Uranus down and is giving him a big dose of reality. Defeated, he comes back to the city with her.

Jupiter is still…well lets not talk about that for a while. Just tell me when they’re done.

Chiron finally caught up to Neptune in a bar (go figure). The lonely sea god is sitting there nursing a beer with a cockeyed party hat on. Everyone forgot his birthday… The two have a good cry, and go back home to drink some more.

Mars has an existential crisis. Apparently 24-inch biceps and washboard abs aren’t everything. He and Juno decide to go camping. Of course, this is Mars we’re talking about, so they go to Death Valley. I hear its lovely this time of year.

Image courtesy of my dad, who still thinks he is good at fixing things.

Thursday, July 14, 2011


So I was starting to think i was going crazy, because no one was posting comments. Turns out my comment settings were messed up, which has since been fixed.

And here I thought you were all just shy.

ASTROSCENE: Back to work

The Moon comes back from her (too short) vacation, with renewed vigor. A little globetrotting was just what the doctor ordered! She heads back to work where she meets up with Pluto, and they go into a Mission Critical meeting, as the hostile takeover of Saturn, Inc. has just gone into the Red Zone. The C.E.O still has a couple aces left to play before the fat lady sings, though….

Uranus is still trying to track down Enlightenment, last we saw he was in the Australian Outback. We eagerly await a postcard.

Mercury goes out for new gear. Mars showed him up last time, a crime that will not go unpunished.  Venus tags along to try to keep him from blowing all his money. After all, there has to be something left over for her, right? They talk about her vacation, and gossip about Jupiter, and bicker over whether or not Mercury needs a pimp cane and fedora, and several unsuspecting shop girls are caught in the crossfire (obviously they didn’t read the last Astroscene). Final score: Fedora yes, Pimp Cane no. And there’s something left over for Venus, too. Everybody wins, and with minimal bloodshed to boot.

Saturn calls in a favor from Mars and Pallas Athene, who come to the embattled tycoon’s defense. Together, they promote Synergy and some such corporate drivel till they’re blue in the face. To everyone’s surprise, this actually works and the company’s stock rebounds. Enraged, Pluto posts pictures of Mars’ antics with Mercury on his Facebook.

Jupiter calls Chiron for advice after Juno finds out about Eros, but unfortunately the centaur isn’t much help, as he is too busy trying to drag Neptune back into reality (a full-time job to say the least). Which is probably for the best, as getting in between those two never ends well for ANYBODY. Just ask poor Io. Psyche packs her bags and calls Mercury to see if she can crash with him for a while. Vesta blogs about the whole mess, breaking only to feed the 27 stray cats she seems to have taken on.

Meanwhile, a smirking woman watches it all from her penthouse, chomping on an apple. All in a days work...

Image courtesy of

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Full Moon in Capricorn: The Wheat from the Chaff

(Warning: Adult Themes)

Okay, this ones not going to be easy guys. Pluto is definitely ruling the day here. The Moon skids past him early on, but the Scorpio vibe is impossible to ignore. And with Pluto still in the Cardinal Cross holding pattern, you can bet this is going to be a rough ride.

The Challenge: Now, the name of the game today is Toxicity. If you’ve been paying attention, you caught a glimpse of the awesomeness that could be when Miss Moon was romping through Sagittarius. You should also have caught a moment when you made a minor mistake, leading to you winding up with egg on your face. This is actually highlighting a deeper issue that needs to be dealt with and overcome ASAP. There is a heightened sense of immediacy here. For the most part, this is because the problem has been in the background for a long time, and has just now become intolerable, snapping you into action. This is an issue that has become deeply entrenched, and will require a nuclear-powered mop and lead –lined gloves to clean up.

The Reward: How about everything you ever wanted but were too afraid to ask for? This is a very serious and challenging moment, but the long term payoff is incredible (and its going to be easier than you think). Here’s an example: One of my friends is a great guy, smart, funny, decent-looking and such. Yet he never seems to be able to handle himself when it comes to talking to anyone he’s interested in. He gets extremely nervous, evasive, and defensive, a major change from his normal extroverted self. Recently I looked at his chart for him, and after some talking, he confessed to being addicted to pornography. Now this is a multilayered issue. First, growing up his family was extremely unsupportive of his sexuality, and he was unable to discover these things, so he turned to porn. This served to distance him from his peers (as who needs to date when you have that?) but it subconsciously distanced him from his family as well, leaving the idea that he was unlovable in his mind. This also weighs on all his social interactions, as he is terrified of someone finding out about his secret. In timing with this Moon, he realized the problem, has chosen to take drastic steps to address each part of the issue once and for all, so that he can live a more fulfilling life on his own terms.

In the Trenches: Now this is going to be very tense, and you’re going to have to face some rather uncomfortable facts about yourself and your life. This is Pluto in Capricorn at its finest. The challenges on the horizon are daunting. You’re going to want to look for an easy way out.

Don’t take it.

Heres the thing: You’ve been preparing for this. You’ve come a long way, baby. You’re ready to face this thing square on and wrestle it to the ground. Do not allow the fear to paralyze you from doing what you need to do. I cant stress this enough. We’ve all gone through the ringer, and this is the test. You have defined what you want, and its on the horizon. To get that however, you have to go down into the root and pull out the muck that’s clogging up the drains. Buckle down, ignore every bit of drama that comes at you and get down to business. The hard part here is you cant allow the melancholy in the air to get to you. Try to keep positive, but avoid your vices.

The Good News: It actually is much easier to deal with this than I’ve made it out to be. The problem comes around if you avoid it. There will be other chances, to be sure, but the opportunity presented here is just too good to pass up.

Astrologer’s Note: The case above refers to someone to who I am very close, and would never have shared the information without his express permission, especially given the nature of the issue. It is shared to illustrate the nature of the cosmic event. Please do not flame, as you do not know the full situation.

Image courtesy of**http%3a//

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

From the Man himself

Alright, I know this is a little dated, but i just stumbled onto this. Its too perfect. Here's the description on the website:

Pluto gets demoted, ThinkGeek makes a shirt.
Imagine yourself a tiny planet, happily orbiting the sun at nearly 6 billion kilometers. One morning, you check your email - ooh, an urgent message from the International Astronomical Union. "dear sir... yadda yadda... regret to inform... yadda yadda... planetary status has BEEN REVOKED?!" WTF?

Some scientists are protesting, others even taking legal action, but it's true - the IAU has created rules governing the definition of 'Planet', and our favorite Kuiper-belt object has officially been voted out of the planetary house.

ThinkGeek's latest shirt show's Pluto's likely response, if it were sentient, spoke English, and frowned on cursing. Black high-quality shirt with a white depiction of the solar system, the ninth orbital body of which quietly lamenting, "weak."

Its the exact sort of thing everyone's favorite underdog KBO would say when he found out, dont you think? If only they could work in Eris somewhere...

Image courtesy of

Monday, July 11, 2011

TNO Watch: Varuna

Due to popular demand, (i.e.- the one person reading this site, the AWESOME Karen from Go check her out, ill wait.) Minor Planet 20000 Varuna!

This guy...

Alright, never let it be said that I backed down from a challenge. Heres what we know.

The Astronomy: Varuna is a Kuiper Belt object that completes its journey around the sun every 284 years. No one really knows how big it is, as it is not spherical, but instead Varuna is an ellipsoid, like Haumea.  

The Myth: Varuna is an ancient Vedic god of India. He has authority over the waters, and is one of the oldest gods in Vedic myth, which is one of the oldest civilizations on earth. So this guy is waaaaay out there. Very deep stuff. He is also in charge of little things like immortality and fame.

Yeah, thought that would grab your attention.

Now, hes very similar to Neptune. Almost like the Romans stole him for their own. Oh wait that's Poseidon, my bad. And he was stolen from the Greeks. Okay, so Romans stole him from the Greeks, who stole him from India, and if I try to go back any further than that, it goes into woowoo territory. Not today, thank you very much.

After a war with the Demons, and to avoid squabbles, Indra (Sky God) and Varuna decided to divide the universe up (also stolen by the Greeks) Varuna gets screwed by Indra, who takes the Sky and sticks Varuna in the ocean, as far away as possible.

Why He Matters: Well, in our world right now, we are trying to quench the thirst of almost 7 billion people, and our planets water supply is 97.5% salt water (i.e.- undrinkable). Plus dont forget livestock, agriculture, etc. So its looking like a global crisis on the horizon for sure. And if it gets contaminated, by lets just say an oil spill, like what is happening in yellowstone, what happened in the gulf, etc. then we have that much less water for the GLOBAL supply.

And in case no ones told you, we humans kind of need water to survive.

Tied in with this is the minor issue of Climate Change. In the Deepwater Horizon Disaster, Varuna is in a stelium with the Moon (pain) and the Vertex (fated events) trining Jupiter (drama), and squaring Eris (chaos).

Also, most people like the idea of fame and fortune. This guy metes it out at his whim. Also, in case you skim, he is in control of IMMORTALITY.

Astrologically, he represents Fame and immortality; anything immeasurable, behind the scenes or secretive. Huge 12th House influence, very deep. He also represents water, and the current water crisis, as well as crises in general.

Definitely one to watch

Image courtesy of

ASTROSCENE: Retrograde Dreamin'

Ok, so the scene today has all the makings of a classic 30’s movie. The Moon is fed up with the dark noir that was the scene, and just wants to get away and start over in some exotic, foreign land where nobody knows who she is or what she did. Ditching the murder weapon, she hops on a plane to Cambodia to go join a Buddhist monastery with Uranus, who really needs a break. Both fed up with Saturn, they meditate for world peace, drink awful tea, and sweep the floors. Bliss.

Saturn, however, is too busy trying to keep Pluto from engaging in a hostile takeover of his company to worry about such silliness. The embattled C.E.O. tries to enlist the help of Venus, but she is in the Caribbean with her current flame, the Sun. While down there, they bump into Jupiter, who is having a secret fling with Eros. Juno and Psyche have no idea, and if Venus starts spilling secrets now, well, lets just say this one is a gimmie.  She swears the Sun to secrecy, blackmailing him with pictures from last week.   

Mars and Mercury hit the bars, terrifying absolutely everyone. Between fist pumping, backward hats, and one heartfelt performance of "Dont cry for me, Argentina" at least 4 clubs close for good, 6 are condemned, and there is one unfortunate incident involving a musk ox.

Pallas and Vesta are avoiding all of this like the plague. No help from Neptune, as hes is still trying to slink away, thinking that if he puts his hands over his eyes hes invisible, with Chiron galloping after him.

Try not to get caught in the crossfire


Image courtesy of

Full Disclosure

Ok, so now that thats out of the way....

Im a firm believer in full disclosure. Lay it all out on the table, and we'll figure it out. So, to practice what i preach, here is my birth info: 05/22/90 01:33 in Cuyahoga Falls OH.

Go ahead, plug it in. I'll wait right here.

Are we good? Ok cool. If that didn't scare you off, nothing will. Heres my thinking on this: If you guys (again, future) are going to (presumably) trust me with your chart info so that i can help you, the same should be expected of me. So dont try to manipulate/blackmail me (note: it most likely wont work [but flattery will get you everywhere]) and ill do the same. capiche?



Here it is! My foray into the world of professional astrology! Well kind of. Anyway, dear readers (written for some point in the future, admittedly; as at the moment, no one has any idea this exists. FOR NOW!! muwahaha. All is going according to plan.)

Anyways, Ill post whenever i have time, and promise to shamelessly self-promote until everyone knows who i am. Oh and ill make some jokes, too. One cant be too stodgy these days. I can assure you however, that i know what im talking about despite my age and refusal to color in the lines.

Now, without further ado, I'm going to post this so i can capitalize on the awesomeness of this Uranian vibe. I'm sure the jokes will follow behind.