|Redemption - vance by Michael Taggart, CCL|
Are you done?
Honestly, I truly want to know. The way you have been talking, and the way that you have been thinking lately, it sure sounds like you are! You sound like you have given up- That you cannot take another step forward. It would be absolutely understandable, knowing what we know about what has happened to you- All those secret struggles, every loss, the looming abyss that is the future expanding in front of you; with your position in it growing more precarious with every step that you take. No one could rightfully blame you, with all of that in perspective- No one but yourself, that is.
There is no harsher judge at the end of the day, is there? At some level it has to be that way, as a survival mechanism- If you are harder on yourself than anyone else can be, then that becomes something that you can control; No one can hurt you other than you. Pain can be managed, quantified and controlled- The damage inflicted is in YOUR hands, and taken from your enemies, those who would inflict the pain on you themselves. The obvious flaw in that logic, however, is that while you strip your enemies of their power to cause you pain, you turn that power immediately over to a more powerful enemy than you could ever beat, and knows exactly where to strike for maximum damage. You make an enemy out of your own mind, and then hand it the launch codes to your personal nuclear arsenal. Then, to preserve its power and its hold on you, the mind will start to jump at shadows, seeing threats everywhere outside itself, fearing its own intentions are shared by everyone that you meet. You spend all your energy and time on guard from allowing yourself to slip up, carefully selecting every word you say, every move you make- judging every interaction you have for possible exposure, or a chance to exploit a weakness exposed in another in case they ever try to come for you. Your mind is the true torturer: Mercury is far crueler and colder than Pluto can ever be, Pluto is simply more creative in his punishments.
Your real enemy, however, is fear. Fear is what caused you to first turn your mind's own sword upon itself- What caused you to commit treason against your own self. Through fear, you have allowed yourself to become less a man and more a beast every day. Fear has you hiding. Yes, fear is a completely normal and understandable response to the threats we face in our lives, and in the face of an extremely uncertain future, but allowing it to paralyze us is not. The longer we spend our time being frozen in fear of a less than perfect future, the more we assure that becomes a reality. Every moment we spend paralyzed is one that we lose of happiness. What we must do, of course, is face your fear. Now, we hear that a lot, it is a common thing to say and it is trite. What must be done in reality is that we must stop trying to run from pain, and instead turn and look it dead in the eyes. From there it will fling the worst-case scenarios at us. We must accept the reality that we will experience pain, loss and suffering- A lot of it. Such is life, and it is the way it has always been. Your mind will throw everything that it can at you to try and cling to its power, but you must be stronger than it- you have to withstand the onslaught. It will try to show you your failures, missed chances and opportunities, those you have failed along the way- These must be accepted. Throughout this process you will want to run from everything it shows you, but you have to remember that you are better than that- You have overcome so much already, and this is just another challenge, albeit one where your future is on the line, your present is untenable and your past is a weapon. Once you have stopped allowing your fear to insulate you from reality, and you accept it as it is, right now, you will win. Acceptance of what has come before, and bravery in the face of uncertainty will ensure that your future is a bright one, even if it takes a shape different than what you once saw for yourself.
"It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him." -- Tolkien
Cards: King of Pentacles, 8 of Wands, 4 of Swords
So, I have good news. Those are powerful words aren't they? It's a nice feeling, to sense things shifting in a different direction. A slightly more stable direction. Like, instead of rolling down a hill in a flaming car, now we are outside of the car and tumbling down. This is better! We were in a 6 planet deep retrograde period, and now that Jupiter and Mercury have gone direct, we only have to deal with 4 more wolves (Saturn, Mars, Pluto and Juno).
We have learned who our friends are. The internal burrowing we have done, deep down into the marrow of our bones, has purged a lot of our demons. So here's the thing. After you are done fighting the demons inside of you, you naturally bring them outside of you. Now that Mercury is swinging back into forward motion, those things are going to become projected into your external world. They are going to manifest as situations or people in your daily life, and you are going to have to take what you have learned and swiftly defeat these ghosts of your anxieties. Don't panic. This is a good thing. This is the only way to defeat them once and for all.
We are almost done with this intense wave of internal war, and the external enemies are going to begin to poke their heads out of the woodwork. Be swift. Don't waste your time. You have come out of this Mercury retrograde period with a deeper understanding of the workings of your own mind. It's a scary fucking place, yeah? So now it is far easier to understand the way that the darkness behaves in your external environment. Your brain is going to shift focus to the external world once again.
With this Sagittarius full moon on the horizon, this is going to be an incredible time of action. Decisions are going to be made, coffins are going to be nailed shut, and ghosts are going to be put to rest. And thank the fucking gods because some of these things have needed to die for a long time now. Mercury being in Taurus will make all of your actions very purposeful. Don't give into the lazy energy of the bull, because if you don't put the externalizing issues to rest, if you don't do battle with your inner demon become outer dragon, you're going to regress tremendously. Getting your ass kicked by the personification of your anxieties is a very traumatizing experience! That's like double PTSD... So take what you have learned during the past few weeks of demon days and utilize it.