|The Voice of a broken heart by Romel, CCL|
Okay guys, impromptu post. Full disclosure- This is a personal musing, not based in any sort of astrological current but not necessarily unrepresentative of the current state of the astro. Just processing a lot and needed to get it out of my head. Gemini problems!
Yes, so, Valentine’s came and went this past weekend, fine. I was single again, fine. Though I did spend the weekend on a pretty awesome date, and that was also fine. A family member passed away this weekend as well, and so did a powerful political figure that drastically changes the political landscape of the USA. Fine.
The overarching theme is that none of these events truly affected me on any real level. I’m not sure I allowed them to. The death in my family was expected, my step-grandmother had been in and out of homes/hospice for years, and I still remember back in like 2008 where the doctors gave her only a few months to live and she held on for 6 years just to piss them off. I was quite fond of her, but her passing didn’t truly affect me in any meaningful way. The date was quite fantastic, and there was an instant level of comfort and a relaxing of my walls and protective walls that I have built up. In another world, another time, I could absolutely see myself in a relationship with this person, and being extremely content- even happy. Still, I refused to allow it to affect me. I can blame my plans or my trajectory all I want, but I know that is a hollow excuse, and only one that works for recent events.
In truth, I have avoided any time where I would receive actual love like the plague. I’m okay when it comes to giving it, but any time where I have to open myself to receive it, I shut down. Inside me there is a numbness, a void, which I try and fill up with liquor, drugs and countless one night stands. I know that only moves me further into emotional isolation, but what else is there? Yes I can blame the hookup and millennial culture, but is it the culture that affects my peers and I or is it just a cacophony of wounded kids who have similar emotional handicaps that have created this culture? That I can’t answer. What I can say is that for me, this goes back through my entire life- Even with my family, my parents. I know that at one point they must have loved me, but I can’t honestly remember ever feeling it, nor can I remember ever really feeling love for them. Lord knows I haven’t made it easy on anyone trying to get in. I carry far too many damning secrets for that.
That being said, I am very aware of the very palpable rift between myself and every other member of my family, and I am compelled to bridge that, yet at the same time I have no idea how to. On the one hand, the relationships between us are toxic, and I believe that the blame there lies with me. Do I cut myself off from that, and walk it alone, searching for a tribe I may never find?
I don’t have the answers to this.
Fuck, I need a drink.