Uranus Direct- The Storm Shepards

Well guys, its that time again; time for everything to get charged up and time to break out and live the awesome. That's right, Uranus is about to go Direct. Are you ready?

I chose the image above because its so perfect for the moment. As everything above you is going absolutely insane and totally chaotic, thats the time when you go into zen mode, totally aware of the chaos' presence in your life, but not allowing it to crack your cool. Reading by Lightning... How Uranian is that?

Speaking of Uranian, we have suspected UFO sightings by Mercury that people are losing their shit over, we have possible interment camps being scheduled to go online the day before Uranus Direct/Lunar Eclipse in the U.S., and a bunch of other craziness that almost makes you go into disaster mode.

The astro is phenomenal at the moment btw, Uranus is still stationing at The Infamous Aries Point, The Eclipse is happening over a point that is going to be very important next year (but we'll get to that in another post), and Jupiter is going to be going direct very very soon (Christmas, actually)

Anyway, as these events progress, we are going to re-engage the Cardinal Cross, with the main event being Uranus square Pluto, exact in June. That is when this really takes off. Saturn is at the end of Libra, not relevant by Aspect, but still an influence by sign, so expect resistance to whatever brand-new schemes you try to put into place, just push through the opposition.

So til we're through, keep calm and crank the dubstep. More details as they arise.

                                                                                -The AstroGeek

ASTROSCENE: John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, his name is my name too....

Well, guys its that time again. No, not Starzina's Time of the Month. That's something else entirely. No, its time for me to inform you good people about the various antics going on in Olympus, because its not your fault that your invitation got lost in the mail (trust me, youre not missing much).

Miss Moon sobers up and staggers out of The Fish Bar, suits up and heads back to boot camp, where she runs into Uranus. Catching up at the gym, they decide to head back to Ceres' place to refuel. One home-cooked meal later, they snatch up Eris and they go egg Pluto's house. Not satisfied with this minor mischeif, they head over to Saturn's and Fork his lawn (with actual forks this time). On a roll, they head over to go Spoon the Sun's Lawn, but he catches them halfway through and invites them in for ice cream. Venus hogs all the chocolate sauce and almost starts an international incident. 

Meanwhile, Psyche is driving Mercury up a wall. It started with throw pillows, and he turned a blind eye at the curtains, but when all his books suddenly become romance novels, thats going too far! He starts to look at travel websites to places far, far away.

Meanwhile, back at The Fish Bar, Neptune can't decide if he's coming or going, which is just how he likes it. Getting tired of drinking away his pain and running from his problems, he decdides to go volunteer and get his act back together. He and Chiron plant some trees, and drag Mercury along to keep him from throttling Psyche.

Juno and Saturn continue to cozy up to each other, at a speed that make icebergs look reckless. Pallas and Vesta continue to take on cats; theyre up to 70 now. 

Mars, meanwhile, dreams of better times and questions how he got to this stage in his life. 3 seconds later, he goes for a run because, seriously? Cmon its MARS. The man is not big on self-reflection. He then proceeds to spend the rest of the day admiring himself in the mirror, ignoring 329 texts from Mercury to get him the heck away from Neptune. 

Jupiter and Eros take a break for about a split second to gorge themselves on some haute cuisine. Pluto, still steaming about the eggs and needing to get out of the house, tags along and they wreck the place. Suprising no one, the situation devolves into a giant orgy, getting them all banned for life and owing $98,386.39 in damages. 

Image courtesy of my new favorite thing ever, http://pauladeenridingthings.com

ASTROSCENE: Technical Difficulties

Alright guys, fair warning: I write this while I have some mild heat stroke and have been up for 39 straight hours. Therefore, I make no promises on the coherence or the logic, much less the punctuation on this post. That being said; Game on.

When we last left our cast, everything went up in flames for Pluto. He goes in the corner to sulk and listen to Dashboard Confessional for a while. We’ll leave him to it. Saturn, Inc., impressed with the Moon’s brutal attack, calls and offers her a job. She takes one look at Pluto in the corner and asks when she can start. She heads to lunch with Pallas and Vesta, who really need to get out of the house, and they discuss a fair trade, sustainable investment strategy to reinvent Saturn’s image for their huge PR campaign.

Psyche has moved into Mercury’s pad, we’ll see how long that lasts (I give it a month).

Venus and the Sun are still inseparable, but he is beginning to get fed up with her, and is starting to play passive-aggressive power games. Unfortunately, he will lose, because he doesn’t know how to lie.

Ceres has tracked Uranus down and is giving him a big dose of reality. Defeated, he comes back to the city with her.

Jupiter is still…well lets not talk about that for a while. Just tell me when they’re done.

Chiron finally caught up to Neptune in a bar (go figure). The lonely sea god is sitting there nursing a beer with a cockeyed party hat on. Everyone forgot his birthday… The two have a good cry, and go back home to drink some more.

Mars has an existential crisis. Apparently 24-inch biceps and washboard abs aren’t everything. He and Juno decide to go camping. Of course, this is Mars we’re talking about, so they go to Death Valley. I hear its lovely this time of year.


Image courtesy of my dad, who still thinks he is good at fixing things.

From the Man himself

Alright, I know this is a little dated, but i just stumbled onto this. Its too perfect. Here's the description on the website:

Pluto gets demoted, ThinkGeek makes a shirt.

Imagine yourself a tiny planet, happily orbiting the sun at nearly 6 billion kilometers. One morning, you check your email - ooh, an urgent message from the International Astronomical Union. "dear sir... yadda yadda... regret to inform... yadda yadda... planetary status has BEEN REVOKED?!" WTF?

Some scientists are protesting, others even taking legal action, but it's true - the IAU has created rules governing the definition of 'Planet', and our favorite Kuiper-belt object has officially been voted out of the planetary house.

ThinkGeek's latest shirt show's Pluto's likely response, if it were sentient, spoke English, and frowned on cursing. Black high-quality shirt with a white depiction of the solar system, the ninth orbital body of which quietly lamenting, "weak."

Its the exact sort of thing everyone's favorite underdog KBO would say when he found out, dont you think? If only they could work in Eris somewhere...

Image courtesy of http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts-apparel/unisex/sciencemath/8964/#tabs

ASTROSCENE: Retrograde Dreamin'

Ok, so the scene today has all the makings of a classic 30’s movie. The Moon is fed up with the dark noir that was the scene, and just wants to get away and start over in some exotic, foreign land where nobody knows who she is or what she did. Ditching the murder weapon, she hops on a plane to Cambodia to go join a Buddhist monastery with Uranus, who really needs a break. Both fed up with Saturn, they meditate for world peace, drink awful tea, and sweep the floors. Bliss.

Saturn, however, is too busy trying to keep Pluto from engaging in a hostile takeover of his company to worry about such silliness. The embattled C.E.O. tries to enlist the help of Venus, but she is in the Caribbean with her current flame, the Sun. While down there, they bump into Jupiter, who is having a secret fling with Eros. Juno and Psyche have no idea, and if Venus starts spilling secrets now, well, lets just say this one is a gimmie.  She swears the Sun to secrecy, blackmailing him with pictures from last week.   

Mars and Mercury hit the bars, terrifying absolutely everyone. Between fist pumping, backward hats, and one heartfelt performance of "Dont cry for me, Argentina" at least 4 clubs close for good, 6 are condemned, and there is one unfortunate incident involving a musk ox.

Pallas and Vesta are avoiding all of this like the plague. No help from Neptune, as hes is still trying to slink away, thinking that if he puts his hands over his eyes hes invisible, with Chiron galloping after him.

Try not to get caught in the crossfire

-Astrogeek




Image courtesy of http://www.filmreference.com/Films-Mi-My/The-Misfits.html

NEW BLOG!!

Here it is! My foray into the world of professional astrology! Well kind of. Anyway, dear readers (written for some point in the future, admittedly; as at the moment, no one has any idea this exists. FOR NOW!! muwahaha. All is going according to plan.)

Anyways, Ill post whenever i have time, and promise to shamelessly self-promote until everyone knows who i am. Oh and ill make some jokes, too. One cant be too stodgy these days. I can assure you however, that i know what im talking about despite my age and refusal to color in the lines.

Now, without further ado, I'm going to post this so i can capitalize on the awesomeness of this Uranian vibe. I'm sure the jokes will follow behind.